Whom I Love Alone
by jennrich2830
Summary: A story about the origin of Carlisle & Esme's relationship and how they fell in love.
1. Angels

A/N: Dear readers, to those of you who have read my previous story about Alice and Jasper, "Visions of Love", welcome back! To my new readers, welcome to my story! I really enjoy writing origins stories so that you can kind of see how some of our favorite couples came to be. This one is a Carlisle/Esme story. How can you not love these two? So devoted to each other and their "adopted" children! Please, I really love to have your feedback so please, please review! I hope you enjoy…

Disclaimer: I have written this as a fan of Stephenie Meyer's work and do not claim any ownership to the characters of the Twilight Saga novels or anything Twilight-related. I only claim ownership to my own imaginings and unique plot points.

Whom I Love Alone

Chapter 1: Angel

**Carlisle's POV**

I'd never forgotten her scent. An intoxicating mixture of jasmine and lotus flower carried on a warm breeze. When I'd first encountered her scent, I hadn't encountered those lovely smells for over a hundred years, not since my first foray into the Far East as I'd satisfied my curiosity for the medicinal arts of ancient civilizations. But that had been different.

She was different. I knew that some humans' scents held greater appeal for our kind than others but it had not happened to me in all of my centuries of existence. I'd always prided myself on my ability to resist the siren's call of human blood. But now I could not help but be grateful that her leg break had not pierced the skin. I knew deep down inside that had her blood spilled, I would have been tempted far greater than ever before.

And she was so young. She couldn't have been over the age of sixteen. To have stolen her life or even to have condemned her to mine would have been a sin that could never be forgiven. To be so selfish…

There was no doubt I was lonely—that I longed for companionship that my existence made impossible. But no level of loneliness, no amount of intoxication that I felt from her scent, no matter how lovely she was with her heart-shaped face, caramel-colored hair that fell in soft waves around her shoulders, and her eyes that were the most bewitching hazel color, a perfect complement to her caramel hair and peaches and cream complexion. Not to mention an intriguing dimple that had peeked at me from the right side of her mouth as she'd smiled shyly down at me when I'd grasped her leg.

With a determination I had not had to use in quite some time, I steeled myself with every bit of self-control I could muster and quickly and efficiently finished the task at hand. And when I had finished, I'd felt an immense sense of accomplishment (and relief) that the worst thing about her physically was her splint.

She still breathed. And needed to. Blood still ran in her veins. Her heart still beat in her chest. And she would go on, mend, fall in love, marry her Prince Charming, and have lots of babies and a long life.

And I…I would go on as I always had. Surviving. Existing. Helping others as best I could, giving them a chance at a life I could only dream of. Lives filled with love, family.

And so with a twinge of regret, I'd sent her on her way that day and had only allowed her face to surface in my memories from time to time—particularly when reading sonnets and feeling a bit maudlin. This happened occasionally after a rousingly successful day at the hospital, driving home the fact that I could never have such a life with such a lovely creature.

I knew my son, Edward, with his unique gift of hearing other's thoughts, knew how I allowed myself to wallow in such thoughts on these few occasions. Luckily along with his powerful gift, he had the ability to never let one know that he knew all of their deepest secrets. He was a good companion and I couldn't have loved him more as a son if he'd been biologically mine.

And while I wish I could regret having finally given in to my loneliness, I did not. I had known I would not be able to resist Elizabeth Masen's last plea—that I could not let Edward Masen pass from this world with so much promise unfulfilled. And yes, the loneliness had become a keening ache—an emptiness I could no longer face for an eternity. But I had told myself, he would be the only one. That his companionship would be enough.

And it had been. Until that fateful December night when I was working the nightshift at the hospital. And her scent entered my life for the second time. Only this time it penetrated every molecule of my shocked being. She should have been hundreds of miles away, safely ensconced with a husband and children. Preparing for the upcoming holidays.

But I knew she was here. And as I followed her scent, I knew it was not good. Her scent was drawing me further and further into the depths of the hospital that few entered and even fewer still exited. The morgue.

No! This couldn't be! Her scent was as strong to me as it had been that day nearly ten years earlier when I'd mended her for a full and long life. How was that possible if death had claimed her? Then as I reached the door leading to the morgue, I heard it. The faintest glug of her beating heart. It was very weak. She did not have much time. If it had not been for my vampire hearing I would never have heard it so it did not surprise me that she had been brought here. She must have already been thought to be dead.

I slowly pushed the heavy swinging door open and glanced around the dimly lit room. No one was around. At this time of night there was no one usually on duty in the morgue. A night watchman would make rounds once an hour so I needed to work quickly.

I scanned the room and there she was. Her broken and battered body was lying on a metal table directly in front of me. I knew what I was going to do. It had probably been decided for me ten years earlier, the first time I'd laid eyes on her. Resistance was futile. I couldn't let her die. Her heart was slowing so I had no time to spare.

I was beside her in an instant. Her head was tilted at an odd angle. What had happened to her? A fall down the stairs? At this point it didn't matter. I brought my hand up and cupped her cheek, caressing the silky skin. She moaned softly. I leaned in and allowed myself only the briefest inhale of her scent. I had to keep my control to ensure her change and not hasten her death which was certainly close.

"Easy, my angel, I will make the pain go away. Have faith." And then the deed was done. I could only pray that when she finally awoke from the death of her human life that she would not hate me too much for bringing her into an eternal existence. A vampire's existence.

**Esme's POV**

Death was excruciatingly painful. I'd expected it to be quick. I'd expected it to stop the pain. I'd thought I would just pass into blackness, nothingness. I'd long ago given up on believing in God. And if there was no God—there was no afterlife. No afterlife meant no heaven. If there was no heaven—then there was no hell. But if there was no hell, then why was I on fire?

Because I'd been wrong. So very very wrong. There was an afterlife. And the fleeting image I'd had of a glorious golden angel who'd looked strangely like the man who'd been my ideal since I'd been a silly girl of sixteen—had assured me that he was taking my pain away.

And then he'd plunged me into the bowels of hell. I was consumed with fire. Of course it was nothing less than I deserved considering my life had been one long failure. Failure to be a good daughter, a dutiful wife. A protective mother. And as a hazy image of my poor, poor baby who had never had a chance flitted across my mind, my heart began to beat furiously within my chest. As if a hundred sparrows were trying to pound their way out.

My body contorted in agony. I tried to cry out buy my throat was as parched as a barren desert and no sound would escape. This was my punishment for abandoning my husband—even if he'd been evil…cruel. It was my punishment for not protecting my baby—allowing him to die. And most of all, I knew it was my punishment for committing suicide and breaking God's ultimate natural law.

Then just at that moment when I was sure I could not endure the pain one more second much less for an eternity, my heart stopped. The fire left my body. Strangely enough though, the fire did not leave my throat. My eyes which had seemed welded shut, slowly began to open.

Everything was in such focus—so clear—that I could see the dust motes floating through the air, the sunbeam they danced in, the tiny rainbows they were dancing in and out of in fascinating patterns.

And then I saw him. My guardian angel. I tried to conjure my most precious memory of him—tenderly gripping my calf and ankle, smiling reassuringly as he asked me where it hurt with a velvet voice that held a tinge of an English accent. It came but it was as if it were behind a gauzy veil. What on earth, heaven, or hell was going on?

I looked directly at the golden angel standing before me and it almost hurt. He was far more beautiful than a mere mortal man could possibly be so that confirmed my belief all those years ago. He _was_ my guardian angel.

He smiled that same reassuring smile but there was a tension about him that I'd never seen before. As if he was ready to spring at me, pounce on me. I almost giggled hysterically at the thought but fought it down at the last moment. What was wrong? Oh, of course, I must look a fright. I somehow tore my gaze away from his and glanced around my surroundings.

Heaven was strange. I didn't expect it to look like a…a…well, a gigantic library. But if I got to be with my angel, then I didn't mind what the surroundings looked like. Despite my delight at being reunited with my dear guardian angel, I could no longer ignore the scorch of burning flames that were engulfing my throat. My hand flew up and clutched at my neck as the horror rushed over me. I was not thirsting for the quenching relief of nice cool water. I wanted blood. Human blood.

I found my angel's face with my own panicked eyes. Oh God. I wasn't in heaven. I _was_ in hell. That must mean that he was no guardian angel. He had to be Lucifer himself come to torment me for all of my sins.

And I had a lot of them. This was going to take a while. And it was nothing less than I deserved. I did not recognize the lilting voice that escaped my lips, but I knew it was me because it was my words that surrounded us.

"Go ahead. Do your worst. I'm just glad it was you sent to punish me." My shoulders sagged in defeat and I was looking down at my pale hands clasped tightly in my lap. His own lovely voice, ever so soft, pierced through the veil that had fallen over me.

"Punish you? No, my dear, you have it all wrong. _I'm_ the one who should be punished. For now I've condemned you to an eternal life. Esme, angel, I don't know how else to say it. You are a vampire." My startled eyes flew to his. Rich, butterscotch eyes so full of compassion and concern as he stared down at me where I lay on a black leather couch. As I drowned in those eyes, I tried to comprehend what he said. But only one thought reverberated through my being.

Oh yes, I was definitely in hell.


	2. Changes

A/N: So thanks to those of you who have reviewed so far! If you read, I hope you will review! Your feedback is very important to me. This chapter is a bit of set-up but if you've read my work before you'll know that I like to explore the relationships between the characters and how they get to that point of everlasting love…sigh…

Disclaimer: I am writing this story because I am a fan of Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight Saga. I do not own any of the characters, plot lines or any Twilight-related materials. I only claim ownership to my own unique imaginings.

Whom I Love Alone

Chapter 2: Changes

**Carlisle's POV**

Her scent was still intoxicating. Even more intense than when blood flowed through her veins, if that was possible. But my biggest worry was no longer fighting my instinct to drain that blood. Instead, it was helping her to control her own instinct to drain others of their blood.

I'd nearly come undone at the panic and pain in her eyes. Only my years of practice as a physician, staying calm I the midst of fear, panic, and pain in others, had kept me from sweeping her in my arms and running to the ends of the earth until she was safe—safe from harming others, safe from herself. Safe from me. I should take her to Denali—give her to the sisters to take care of. Not nuns, but old friends Tanya, Kate and Irina who shared my sensibilities when it came to the vegetarian lifestyle.

But even as the thought entered my mind, she made a small sound, almost like a sob and I saw her delicate hand fly up and cover her mouth. I knew the tears would never flow again. And it was all because of me. But just as I'd been unable to let her life go in that morgue, I knew I didn't have the decency to take her to Denali.

I couldn't explain it. I'd never had a female take hold of my every thought, my every breath as she had. I even found myself unwittingly reaching out to touch her hair, her face, to clasp her hand in mine—before stopping myself at the last second. I longed to comfort her.

I'd taken away her physical pain. Eventually. I'd lived every second of her three day anguish as she'd burned with the fire of the change. Edward had tried to relieve me several times but the most I would allow was for him to wait with me. He hadn't asked and I hadn't offered why. But I didn't have to read minds to see the curiosity in his eyes. To know that the question "why her?" was reverberating through his mind. If he had asked the question aloud, I wasn't sure I could have answered it. In fact, I wasn't quite sure I knew myself.

Regardless of the reason why, it was done. I'd committed the most selfish act a creature of my kind could commit. I had changed her. Oh yes, I had justified it saying that she would be dead now if I hadn't intervened. But I had not given her a gift. Instead I had cursed her.

In my own weakness, my own selfishness, I had given in to impulse—instinct—and now this poor, gloriously beautiful angel had ruby-red eyes and I could see the thirst there. And the horror etched on her pale face—a face that could rival Aphrodite herself—that was my doing as well.

For a man who'd been known to soothe with words first as a minister and later as a physician, I'd been incredibly clumsy in blurting out her new nature to her. "You're a vampire." I'd said it as casually as if commenting on her dress or the weather…_Good God, Cullen! You're losing your touch!_ Oh, how Aro would laugh if he saw how flappable his unflappable English friend truly was.

I was convinced that even though her beauty had gone from stunning to simply breath-taking, this change was not for the better. I felt the guilt rising up in my silent chest, almost choking me, as she looked at me, confusion in her eyes. Her mouth moved and what I considered a whisper, a human would never have heard…"I'm in hell. I'm dead and in hell."

Oh my, this was not going well at all. Honestly for someone who lived a life of complete order and planning, I had somehow managed to muck it up royally. It'd just been pure instinct to change Esme—no real planning. I hadn't thought much past biting her in all the right places, hoping to make it less excruciating than Edward's change had been. Hadn't planned what would happen beyond getting her to our home—a non-descript two story white clapboard farmhouse outside of Columbus. Obviously, I hadn't planned how I was going to tell her what I'd done to her. Definitely hadn't planned how to fix the mess I'd made of everything. The life Edward and I had built here in Ohio—the choice to change another being without her permission. I knew that Aro had always felt my compassion—my loatheness to harm another creature—would be my downfall, my fatal flaw as it were. And I was starting to believe he was right.

I was drawn out of my thoughts as I realized she was shaking with silent dry sobs. I'd covered her with a light quilt and I saw that she was twisting it in her dainty hands. Dainty but strong. The quilt was slowly being shredded. I hand knelt beside the sofa and now I could no longer resist. I reached out and clasped her small hands with my own larger ones, stilling her movements and stopping the destruction she'd unconsciously begun.

Her head came up and her miserable crimson eyes locked with my own. I didn't know what she saw but her full pink lips formed a perfect, silent "o". I felt electricity pulse through me where my pale marble flesh met hers. Did she feel it too? It was impossible to tell. The time had come. I had to make this as right as I could. It was time for explanations. I couldn't allow her to suffer any longer. I knew her newborn thirst would be at a fever-pitch now. She was fully transformed into her new existence.

I squeezed her hands lightly, pulling them free from the cotton shreds and interlocking her fingers with my own. The need to have some type of physical connection was overwhelming. I couldn't have let go if I'd wanted to. And I didn't want to.

I knew Edward was close by. He was not in the study with us but I knew he must be in the hallway. I assumed he was torn between wanting to allow us some privacy and yet, fearful that this encounter could go very wrong, very quickly. After all, it has only been a few years since his own awakening into a vampire's existence. But somehow deep inside, my instincts were screaming at me that it would be okay. She would be okay. For now.

I sensed that she was a gentle soul, a sensitive soul and that would be the common ground that she and I would have to forge ahead. It was not only a new life for her but for Edward and me as well. I could not let them down. I would not fail at this however wrong I had been to make the choices I had to this point.

I felt her own hands tighten on mine. She was still looking at me with confusion, a slight crease of her brow the only marring of her radiant countenance. I drew a deep breath and slowly let it blow between my lips. She leaned slightly toward me as if drawn unwittingly. My gaze was drawn to her own lips and I had a momentary urge to capture them with my own. Instead I forced my lips up in a slight smile, attempting to convey reassurance as I dragged my gaze back to her eyes.

As I started to speak, I realized my accent was thicker. This happened when I got nervous, when I attempted to convey confidence where I felt none. Edward called it my "doctor" voice. Maybe that would help me soothe the jumbled emotions rolling around inside me.

"Angel, I promise you, you are not in hell. Nor are you dead. At least not in the traditional sense." My smile widened. Her startled eyes searched my face for answers. There was doubt there.

"I shouldn't have blurted that out in such a way. But I assure you, you have a new life. A strange one indeed, but life nevertheless." Her gaze was intent. I hoped it meant she was listening to me. I almost asked Edward what she was thinking but stopped myself. If I actually heard how much she loathed me, I'd never be able to continue.

Oh yes, not only had her life changed but so had mine. And I realized just how desperately I needed _her_ to walk with me in my new altered state. A naked need that shook everything I'd believed abo8ut myself to the core. I was a changed man.

**Esme's POV**

So much was happening so fast and yet it seemed as if time had stopped.

I hadn't realized what I was doing to the lovely quilt covering me until his hands had grasped mine. And then I'd hoped he would never let go. I was silly and foolish, but I thought I'd actually felt a jolt of electricity when he had touched me. I couldn't be sure if it was his touch specifically or the fact that I was just so aware of everything around me.

My senses were incredibly heightened, almost as if I were an animal rather than a human. I was a…a…vampire. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. How could that be possible? There was no such thing. Was there? I searched his eyes, looking for the lie but was instead greeted with such sincerity that I was thrown into doubt.

Of course, if it was true then it would explain everything, all that I was feeling. And if it was true, then I _was_ an animal. How strange to look down and see that I still _looked_ human. For the most part. For a moment, vanity overtook me and I wished for a mirror. There was no I could look even half as beautiful as my angel kneeling beside me.

No. I shook my head slightly. Not an angel. Vampire. The word echoed in my brain. I was vaguely aware that his perfect full lips were moving but I was not registering his words and at the movement of my head, his words trailed off. "…but life nevertheless." As his lovely voice fell into silence, I gripped his hands tighter. My life preserver.

I saw a slight wince and marveled that I could produce such a reactions from a man certainly larger than I. Although not huge, he had a nice muscular frame and I knew, albeit, hazily, that he had been about a head taller than myself from our brief encounter.

"Dr. Cullen?" I whispered. His head snapped up at my words, his wonderfully rich butterscotch eyes meeting my own. "Please call me Carlisle." He whispered back matching my own uncertain tone.

"Carlisle." The word came out almost breathlessly startling both myself and him as if I'd shouted the word instead. But it had felt as right as rain on my tongue and I began chanting it in my mind as if it were a prayer. Oh God, I hoped it was in my mind.

I thought of how silly I'd been shortly after he'd mended my leg—doodling "Mrs. Dr. Carlisle Cullen" on any scrap of paper I could find. Giving myself permission to whisper his name—Carlisle—in the quiet darkness of my bedroom each night for a month straight after our encounter. How I'd longed to say it in his presence!

And now that girlish dream was coming true. But in a living nightmare. I was a hideous monster. There was no way that this beautiful man could want someone like me. Even if I ended up looking okay, it was not the physical beauty I feared he wouldn't like.

It was the ugly scarred creature I was on the inside that I was sure would repulse him once he knew what I'd done. To have abandoned my husband, killed my own child. Those were unforgivable in and of themselves. But once he realized that he'd saved a woman who had tried to end her own life. Oh mercy, what kind of regret and revulsion would he feel then?

I was resolved then that he could never find out. I was still alive. At least in some fashion. I should not waste his gift. The burning in my throat that had never gone away suddenly flamed out of control. It was all I could think about at that moment even as much as I wanted to hear all that he would tell me about this new life, to help me understand how I had changed.

I knew two things at that moment. One, my thirst was growing unbearable. And two, my outlook had changed.

I wanted to live. I wanted to do whatever I could to deserve the respect of this man. I wanted to be good. And whole. And worthy. All things that I had failed miserably at in my human life.

So I looked at him determined and said the first thing that popped in my mind. "I'm thirsty." He sagged slightly at my words whether in relief or disappointment, I could not be sure. Actually, I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

"I know, sweetheart. Let's take care of that right now, shall we?" I nodded my head slightly and bit my bottom lip nervously. Ouch. My teeth felt like razors! Then he reached up one of his large hands with long elegant fingers and tucked my hair behind my ear. I felt my breath stop at his touch and oddly enough registered that I didn't need it anyway. My breath, not his touch. That I knew I needed.

Then all too quickly, his hand fell and he tugged me up from the couch until we were standing facing each other. Something seemed to dawn on him as I saw recognition in his topaz eyes. "But first, I need to introduce you to someone. Edward, could you come in here please?" His voice never rose about its conversational tone.

I saw a flash in the corner of my eye and I instantly found myself in the presence of two angels as I stared at a boy with tousled bronze hair and matching topaz eyes. "Esme, let me introduce you to my son, Edward." A son? He was a father?

Edward's perfectly angled face lit up with a crooked smile and I felt myself automatically smiling back. I could still see a slight shadow, almost as if the smiled didn't quite reach his eyes. I suddenly felt a maternal wave of concern wash over me. So not everything died with me on that cliff.

Okay, this was going to be a good change. I think.

**Edward's POV**

Everything was going to change. I'd realized that from the moment Carlisle had rushed into our home, clutching the lovely young woman with caramel-colored hair, to his chest.

He'd startled me for many reasons. First, he was home early. Second, he'd told me time and again he would never change another being. But mostly, it'd startled me to see my cool-as-a-cucumber under pressure father to be so, well, panicked.

For all three days it'd taken for the change to take effect. I hadn't asked questions. Honestly, I didn't really need to. It was all there in his thoughts, his memories. One of the disadvantages of my ability (Carlisle called it a gift, I called it a curse, we compromised on ability.) was sometimes knowing things about a person that they didn't realize about themselves. Things, emotions, whatever buried deep within their subconscious.

So yes, on one hand, I'd been startled that Carlisle had brought a woman home. A woman he'd changed. But on another level, when I'd looked down into her pale lovely heart-shaped face and saw who she was, I was not surprised. Maybe on some level, I'd even expected her to come back into our lives at some point. Just not quite like this.

Carlisle, who was always so sure of what he did, was a nervous wreck. And he was wracked with guilt. This was so unlike the Carlisle that I knew that it even threw me a bit off-kilter. It was not a good feeling. I was unsure of what this would do to my father. And I was unsure of how to help him. I really _really_ hated feeling helpless. And unsure. Carlisle had rubbed off on me in that way, I guess.

So now here I stood before the woman who was changing everything. And I knew exactly how she was feeling. Not because I could read her thoughts, which I could, but because I had felt that way once too.

So I'd help her as best I could because like me she'd had no choice about being born into this life. And like me, she really cared about Carlisle. That was something I could admire.

And it was no small feat getting a stubborn man like me to change his mind. She and I were going to get along just fine.


	3. Secrets

A/N: I don't know why but I just really love this chapter! I guess it's because things are finally heating up! Thanks to all of those who have reviewed including old friends like AliceSteepedinSadness, Ilithiya, and dazzeled10 along with new friends like twilighterz4lifeAlison (who was an awesome website called twilighterz4life, so check it out if you get a chance!) Also, thanks to those of you who have added me to your favorites and alerts. As always, please, PLEASE review! It is a great motivator to keep writing. I don't like to hold chapters hostage but please know that I do love your feedback as it helps with my story.

Disclaimer: I am writing this story because I am a fan of Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight Saga. I do not own any of the characters, plot lines or any Twilight-related materials. I only claim ownership to my own unique imaginings.

Whom I Love Alone

Chapter 3: Secrets

**Carlisle's POV**

I had a secret. I was in love with Esme. The six months since she had joined Edward and me were probably among the happiest times in my centuries of existence.

For a newborn, she had done extraordinarily well. We'd left Ohio and had moved to Cantaunaucken, a sleepy seaside resort on Long Island. This had afforded me the proximity of New York City working in one of the finest hospitals in the country while Edward was attending Cornell, studying medicine. I was extremely proud of him. He'd made the decision on his own but told me I had inspired him.

Esme stayed hidden in our isolated Victorian home on the shore where the three story gingerbread house stood alone on a bluff. She'd undertaken a massive restoration and design project, making the house her own visionary dream. She'd found she had an affinity for architecture as well as making the house a true home with her artistic eye. It was the first house that Edward and I could actually call a home and not just the place where we resided. I felt that had more to do with Esme's presence than any coat of paint or piece of furniture she'd brought in.

She and Edward had bonded almost immediately, much to my immense relief. However, I distanced myself from her as much as vampirely possible. It wasn't because I found her any less fascinating or intoxicating. No, quite the contrary. I desired her with a burning need that often frightened me in its intensity. In fact, I knew these were the very reasons I put that yawning abyss between us.

I was terrified that at any moment she would realize just how very deeply I loved her. And that would not do. For I knew as surely as I loved here, that if she did not exactly hate me, she certainly resented me. How could she not, when I'd so callously ripped away her choice from her and condemned her to this maddening vampire's existence?

I was proud of how easily she'd adapted to hunting animals. Luckily, there was a state park within an hour's run from our home, stocked full of deer and other small creatures such as foxes and the occasional bear or wild cat. If not exactly stimulating prey, they were certainly sufficient for survival. Edward made the occasional foray in the Canadian wilderness to satisfy his own hunting instincts, and I knew Esme had accompanied him on occasion. But honestly, she'd seemed just as content to hunt near our home.

I wasn't entirely certain as I took care only to hunt with her on very rare occasions and only did that to not rouse any suspicion on her part that I was avoiding her. But it frightened me to hunt with her. Not because I was afraid she would slip and go after a stray human. Her control was amazing. Instead, I was fearful to hunt with her, giving over to my instincts, being ruled by my senses, anywhere within her vicinity. Not because I was afraid that _I_ would slip up and take a human or even physically harm her but that she would see the depth of my feelings for her—my inner protector coming out—instincts that no man could prevent from rearing its ugly head in the presence of the woman he loved.

I knew she was hurt by my demeanor. What I was not sure of was if the shadow of pain I often saw in her eyes was because of my indifference toward her or because she resented me for what I'd done to her. And I was a coward of the yellowest sort. I didn't want to know. I just wasn't sure if I could live with the answer regardless of the reason.

And Edward of course being privy to the depth of my emotions, never divulged what he knew, God bless him. Nor did he push me about it. I wasn't sure how he did it but he'd managed to balance each of his relationships with us, maintaining a parent/child bond with both me, his maker, and yet this generous loving woman who'd become a mother-figure to him seemingly without any effort at all. It was as if she'd brought incredibly strong maternal instincts with her from her human life although I knew she had no children.

Well, at least that she'd spoken of. It was an assumption on my part only because I'd observed the depth of her care for Edward and his well-being so I'd determined that if she had children, she'd have mentioned something even if her memories would have been hazy. I didn't resent their relationship though oddly enough. In fact, I was grateful for it. It somewhat eased my guild about the distant interactions I allowed myself with my angel.

Despite the distance, I was surprised that she never spoke of her human life. And she never had in the entire six months. Edward didn't speak much about his either but he certainly had in the beginning. Of course, as time passed, the already fuzzy memories dimmed further so I wasn't too disturbed by that.

But with Esme it was different. I was known for being an incredibly patient man but I found myself increasingly frustrated by this lack of knowledge about someone I cared for so deeply. I had never experienced romantic feelings like this before and I knew they stemmed from my own observations of her kind and gentle demeanor, how deeply she cared for my son, how she never complained aloud even once about the circumstances she found thrust upon her in her new existence. And of course that inexplicable thing called "chemistry" or physical attraction or whatever poets had deemed in much better ways than I about "true love".

And so it'd been the day that Esme finally put a chink in the wall I'd built around my heart when I'd unexpectedly found her in my study.

I'd come home earlier than usual from the hospital. It'd been a draining day. Despite my best efforts, I'd lost a young patient after a long bout with leukemia. A six-year-old boy with blonde hair and blue eyes named John. He'd had an indomitable spirit, an optimism that reminded me a bit of myself at his age. And yet, death hade snuffed out his promise prematurely. And I had been unable to stop it.

One would think with as many years of practice that I'd had with death and dying and of course, being a vampire, that it wouldn't hit me as hard as it had. But it still hurt. And though I knew it was impossible, I still went to work every day with the belief that I could save all of my patients.

So I'd come home weary. As a vampire, I never tired. But that day, I felt every inch the nearly 300 years I had seen come and go. Between losing John and all of my efforts to keep Esme at bay—in my thoughts, in my unbeating heart—I was defeated. With my thoughts on John and the devastation of his parents, I'd been startled when I'd walked through my study door—my haven from it all—to find the one person I most wanted to see at that moment and yet the one person I least needed to see at that moment.

Esme.

I must have said her name aloud because her head whipped around and her rose-colored eyes met mine. She was standing on a stool, tape measure in hand, in front of the gigantic bay window on the west wall. The fiery orange setting sun was streaming in and as she turned to face me, I stopped breathing.

The sun lit all around her making her cloud of caramel waves whisper as they settled around her shoulders like a rippling field of ripened wheat. Her skin sparkled with the tell-tale sign of her true nature but still breathtakingly beautiful as a million diamonds twinkled down on me. She had a man's white cotton button down shirt tucked into a pair of form-fitting khaki trousers her outfit showing how she curved so womanly in all the right places.

My eyes raked her body for I couldn't deny that I was greedy for these inadvertent moments to study her, storing up for later when I could torture myself as I wallowed in my pity party that she would never be mine. She could rival any of the silent movie actresses in her beauty I thought as my eyes traveled slowly back up from her feet until I reached her chest.

Oh good God in heaven! With the light breaking through the huge window I could see just how thin the cotton shirt was that she wore. With nothing beneath it. I could see the darker hue of the flesh facing me, peek-a-booing at me. I was transfixed until she nervously cleared her throat and I realized I'd been caught staring. Where I shouldn't have been. Now that was a sight I'd _never_ forget as long as I existed. I was definitely going to be tortured by that sight for a long _long_ time to come. Probably for eternity.

Her gaze was wary as she stared down at me. Without thinking, I slowly walked toward her until I was close enough to reach and touch her if I wanted to. And oh merciful heaven, how I wanted to! But I stood as still as a marble statue. I was sure I must have been glittering because she was looking at me with wonder in her eyes.

I felt warm as if the sun warmed my skin as it hit me. But that was impossible. I was sure the warm heat suffusing my body had everything to do with her heated gaze as it searched my face almost hungrily. Again, that was impossible. I was sure I was projecting my own feelings onto her and only imagining what I wished was there.

Then what happened next happened so quickly, I was never quite sure how it came about. One instant she was standing over me and her breathy voice breathed my name, "Carlisle. You're home." Yes. I was home. Because she was here. And in the next second she was in my arms. In the future, she would claim that I'd reached out and tumbled her into them myself. I had no memory of that. I would've sworn that she was already falling into my arms as I'd reached out and caught her as if from one of those silent movies I imagined her in from time to time.

I heard her gasp as her legs dangled over one arm while I supported her back with the other, cradling her to my chest. Her arms wrapped tightly around my neck as if she were afraid I would drop her. She needn't have worried about that. What she should be worried about is if I would actually ever let her go now that she was where she belonged.

I was lost in her startled gaze. It was the most physical contact I'd had with her in six months and I was hooked. My whole body tightened in response to the feel of her in my arms. All thoughts except for how very right it felt left me. As she gazed up at me, her perfectly shaped lips were parted and she was breathing in short pants as if out of breath after a long run.

The tip of her pink tongue darted out quickly tracing her full bottom lip as I'd dreamed of doing for so long. I only hesitated for half a second. I barely registered the slight widening of her eyes in recognition of my intent. My lips were molded to hers, our breath mingling as we both gasped.

I felt as if molten lava were running through me. I tried to tell myself to stop. That this was wrong. That I was forcing myself on her. But as I tensed, intending to end the kiss, she whimpered and her grip around my neck tightened. I felt her fingers thread through the thick hair at my nape.

Pure instinct took over as all thoughts fled my mind. I was consumed with her. Her mouth opened under mine and our tongues met dancing in a primal rhythm as old as time. I groaned in triumph as the animal in me took over, recognizing that this woman belonged to me. I could no longer deny myself.

Then all too quickly, I heard the front door open and close quietly. Somehow a little kernel of sanity told me Edward was home, would be walking by the open study door any moment. Esme must have heard it too because this time she allowed me to raise my head. I slowly set her legs down but enjoyed the delicious feel of her sliding down my body.

Her arms were still around my neck and she was looking up at me, her eyes dazed, her full lips moist and swollen from our exertions. I kept telling myself to let her go, step back, Edward would be coming up any second. But then I heard music drifting up from the conservatory on the first floor.

I wanted to tell Esme all that I was feeling, how full my heart was at that moment. But I couldn't. I was a coward. Sure, we shared a physical connection. That much was obvious as we both gasped for breath. But she was a newborn. Everything was more intense for a newborn—including hormones.

As I reached up, grabbing her arms to unwrap them from around my neck, I saw the disappointment in her eyes. Her mouth opened as if she were about to speak. I tangled her fingers in mine and brought her arms down to her sides. And she let me.

Her gaze was now cast down. I no longer had a window into her mind. She sighed so softly I almost couldn't be sure that she had. She looked incredibly sad and that pierced me to the core. I hated being the cause of her pain. It was the very reason I'd kept my distance.

But that wall had been breached and I was no longer certain I could put it back up. Or if I even wanted to. I wanted to erase the creases in her brow. I wanted her face to light up as she often did when she laughed at Edward's light teasing or when she was drawing up plans on her next project or working in her garden.

I didn't know what to say so I leaned forward and began feathering light kisses along those creases until I felt them smooth and then I moved to her closed eyes. I kept murmuring "I'm sorry" as I went along tracing a trail down her nose and then each cheek. Her breathing had speeded up again. I felt engulfed in jasmine. I placed a light kiss on her lovely lips, the briefest of touches knowing I'd be lost forever if I let it go as far as I wanted it to.

As I pulled back and looked down at my angel, her eyes slowly opened. I don't know what I expected, but the raw anger and hurt flashed at me from the depths of her eyes. I took a step back in shock. "Stop saying that!" she hissed at me. I could no longer bear it as the overwhelming guilt at having hurt her yet again rose up inside my chest like bile, choking me.

So coward that I was, I ran. Left her standing in the middle of my last safe haven. It was safe no more. She invaded every space both physical and spiritual that I occupied. I needed to escape so once I hit the door, I did not look back. Her last look would be forever seared in my brain.

And I was grateful that at least my secret was still safe. At least I had not disgraced myself by forcing my unwanted love on her. And I was determined that she should never learn that particular secret that I'd come very close to spilling that day. Never.

And so I buried it deep within my dead heart as I ran without knowing where I was going. As long as it was anywhere I would no longer smell jasmine and lotus. Finally my wish was granted as I crossed the Canadian border, immersing myself in a wide river, washing away any outward trace of the woman who was unfortunately absorbed into every molecule of my being. Now how to get rid of that?

That was the bigger challenge but one I was determined to conquer. Somehow. Eventually.

I sighed. Right.

**Esme's POV**

It was starting to get hard to keep all my secrets straight. And they were completely ruining my life. No wonder Carlisle had run out on me.

I stood alone in his study. The one place I felt closest to him although he didn't know that I'd taken to spending my afternoons in here most days that he was working.

I was in love with Carlisle Cullen. Another secret he didn't know. And I certainly knew that he was completely unaware that this had been the case since the first time I had laid eyes on him when I was sixteen. And still human.

But my life was so much richer now than it had been in those days that I was human. Even my human memories were in black and white like an old photograph, grainy and unfocused. Now my life was in color—the fullest brightest colors imaginable.

Except when it came to Carlisle. I know he thought he was subtle but honestly, you did not have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out that he'd been avoiding me since the first few days when I'd joined Edward and him. But , oh Edward, bless him. He had somewhat helped as I coped with Carlisle's complete indifference to me.

I felt as if I had gained a son. The bond had come so naturally and easy for us. Just as I had wished it had been with Carlisle. But he seemed determined to thwart any of my efforts, any small gesture that I made, at every turn. And I was frustrated and more than a little hurt. I just couldn't understand.

It wasn't that I thought that he hated me. I didn't see that. It was more that he just didn't care about me one way or the other. Of course, I never expected _he _would fall in love with _me_ and certainly not to the depth that I loved him. But still, he didn't even care enough to hate me or at least not even like me. Not even one little bit. And that hurt much worse than if he _had_ hated me.

As much as I loved Edward, I was starting to think maybe I should leave, give them their lives back. I'd obviously disrupted the ordered life that Carlisle craved. But I could not do it. I could not pluck up the courage to strike out on my own. So I'd channeled every bit of my energy into making Carlisle a comfortable home, someplace he would find some pleasure in.

And so I found myself in his study. I knew it was his refuge. He spent hours in there, locked away from me. I suppose finding peace in his books. Edward had tried to assure me that this was not unusual behavior but still I had worried. I didn't want to my savior to be unhappy because of me. And because he would not allow me to be close to him when he was home, I decided I would decorate his study for him. Plus, it gave me an excuse to spend time in the one room I _did_ feel closest to him in. I just made sure to do it when he was at the hospital. Just in case.

So I'd felt guilty when I turned to see him behind me. I'd been preoccupied measuring the bay window when I'd thought I'd heard my name. I'd barely registered the shock on his face as I'd turned to directly face him. I was sure he'd be angry to find me in his private surroundings. But as I'd taken a closer look I could see the …weariness….yes, it had been weariness in his eyes. Had something happened? I felt concern well up in me. I couldn't help it. I still loved him even if he had no feelings for me and I hated to see him suffer.

His weariness threw me a bit off-kilter since we never tired. He even seemed a bit defeated. How I longed to reach out, brush the shock of pale blonde hair back from his forehead, trace my fingers across his perfectly sculpted cheekbones, rub them across his full lips. Touch those lips with my own until I took away the weariness and drove every last bit of his indifference right out of that huge bay window behind me.

Then as the sunlight had streamed through the window, I was mesmerized by his diamond-like countenance and the rainbows dancing all around my guardian angel as the light bounced off of him. I saw that his gaze seemed fixed permanently on my chest. That's when the fire began.

But this fire was so much more delightful than the one that consumed me during my change. Suddenly the fire raged out of control and I nervously cleared my throat. His molten topaz eyes met my own—so warm, so heated—like I'd never seen him before.

I was never quite sure what happened next as I was overcome with the naked desire in his eyes. I felt a small glimmer of hope that perhaps he wasn't quite as indifferent as I'd thought. Needing to break the tension or sure that I would burst into flames at any moment if I didn't, I found myself murmuring "Carlisle. You're home." I couldn't be sure it happened so fast, but I would have sworn his arm snaked out and tumbled me into his arms.

The next thing I knew, I was clasped tight to his chest and in the arms of my angel as I'd dreamed of for so long. I never wanted him to let me go. The reality of the heat ignited by his lips on mine, the feel of his stone-hard body against mine, the silkiness of his straw colored hair in my fingers, was a million times better than all of my fantasies about this moment combined.

But it seemed almost as quickly as it began, he was tensing up, attempting to pull away from me. And I was damned if I was going to let that happen when I finally had him right where I wanted him. Well, _almost_ where I wanted him. But as the strains of music drifted up from Edward's piano, I finally understood. So that was why. As his lips met mine again, I moaned in exultation. He'd been pulling away because Edward was home, not because he didn't want me!

I felt exhilarated at the thought and gripped his head tighter as my mouth opened wider under his masterful lips and our tongues met and tangled together. A random thought appeared that I was grateful to be a vampire and didn't have that annoying need to stop the kiss to draw a breath. That meant that this delicious connection could literally go on forever. And almost as if reading my thoughts in the next moment, I found myself on my feet and he was untangling himself from my grasp.

Confusion bombarded my dazed mind. Why was he stopping? He kissed me lightly from brow to lips all the while punctuating his regret by muttering, "I'm sorry". A definite mood-killer. Suddenly the fire that had begun to burn n me thanks to his kisses slowly turned into an inferno of anger. Anger at myself. How could I have been so stupid?

He obviously regretted his hasty actions. He was a man after all. And he'd found a willing woman in his arms. God, ha d I been willing, I thought shamefully. I was sure he'd merely acted on instinct and didn't actually desire _me_. Why would he? He obviously found it distasteful to be in my company. He'd demonstrated that often enough over the past six months.

Well fine. He really didn't need to apologize. He'd made his feelings or lack thereof more than abundantly clear on numerous occasions. Besides, I found it pretty distasteful to be in my company as well. But I had no choice. It seemed my failures as a human woman had followed me into my life as a vampire woman.

Irritated and disgusted with myself, I heard my voice spit at him, "Stop saying that!" He stepped back as if surprised, a stricken look on his face. But before I could say anything else, he was gone. And just as quickly as it had burned out of control, the fire in my heart turned to a block of ice.

Because he'd left me. And I didn't blame him, not one little bit. And at the thought, my knees gave out on me and I curled up in the middle of his refuge, seeking the same solace that he found in his ancient texts, poetry, or whatever the hell else it was that he did in here in secret.

Besides setting me on fire with kisses I had no right to want. But oh how I wanted them! Now that I'd finally lived that particular dream, I'd never be able to live without them again. But if he came back , and I hoped that he did, that was just one more secret to add to my growing list that he must never find out.

Even failures had _some_ pride. Just no dignity, I thought to myself as I brought my hand up and pressed it against my lips swollen with the evidence of my very real lack of dignity.


	4. Friends

A/N: Thank you to all who have written reviews and added me to your favorites/alerts. It is very humbling and very inspirational. I know many of you are contributors as well and I truly appreciate your feedback. Because of that, I want you to know that I always leave reviews for the stories I read as well. So for those who have read my last story, you will see a familiar character in this one. Please forgive my divergence from the Twilight canon but I have found this new guy very intriguing and have an idea brewing for him as well. I'm sorry that there's not much togetherness in this chapter but again, it is a bit of set-up. There are only a few chapters left. Oh, also as a treat for those of you who love my Alice/Jasper story, I have another idea for them, that I will take up after my next story. I think you will be pleased. I know I really miss them! Thanks again dear readers!

Disclaimer: I am writing this story because I am a fan of Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight Saga. I do not own any of the characters, plot lines or any Twilight-related materials. I only claim ownership to my own unique imaginings.

Whom I Love Alone

Chapter 4: Friends

**Carlisle's POV**

It was good to be home. Well, almost home. As the waves crashed from below, I stood in a copse of trees just to the left in front of the gingerbread house. Hiding. Well, not exactly hiding. Contemplating. How best to approach my new plan. Admit I'd been wrong. Beg for Esme's forgiveness. All without completely shredding what little pride I had left. Easy enough.

I could see a light on in my study on the second floor. I wondered if Edward was in there reading. A small part of my heart hoped that maybe it was Esme. Maybe she felt close to me if she was in my study, surrounded by my things. Maybe she missed me. A small sigh escaped me.

Of course I was being ridiculous. But I did hope she was still here. Now that I'd gotten some perspective in my two day hiatus. If I'd driven her away for good with my abrupt departure, I didn't know what I'd do…I mean, I wouldn't blame her. As shabbily as I'd treated her since she'd joined us…that alone would be grounds enough for her to go out on her own.

But now that I was resolved to be her friend, well, I really hoped she hadn't given up yet. I really wanted a second chance to win her trust. More than anything I'd ever wanted. What was I saying? I wanted _her_ more than anything I'd ever wanted. But baby steps. Victor had made a good point and I just needed to stick with the plan.

Once I'd hit Canada, I'd made a detour to Winnipeg to meet an old friend. I'd first met Victor Cambridge when we'd both attended Christ Church College in Oxford in my human life. He'd been a few years older than me but we'd formed an easy camaraderie. We'd both felt the burden of taking up a profession our fathers expected but we were reticent to do. Our situations had been slightly different.

He was the second son of an earl and really his only choices were the military or clergy. When his father had refused to buy his military commission, that had left his last resort. Blessed with much charm and a favorite with the ladies, this had not sat well with the dark-haired, well-built lad. He knew he could've drawn much more female attention with a handsome red uniform, but he was at the mercy of his father so the clergy it had been. The debauchery, well, that didn't quite come to an end. And eventually had condemned him to the eternal existence he now lived.

We hadn't been bosom pals and after a few years, our social circles widened until we saw little of each other. While not a prude, even as a young man, excesses had never really been an indulgence of mine. And then, well, before I could finish my education at Oxford, my father had forced me to go on that fateful hunt.

I did not see Victor again, until many years later, when imagine my surprise to find him in Volterra of all places. We'd both been shocked to see the pale versions of the young men we'd both been decades before. There had been one subtle difference. My topaz eyes in contrast to his crimson ones. He'd been intrigued by my "vegetarian" diet, but at the time not quite ready to commit.

I didn't see him again until nearly a century later and by then he had dedicated himself to the vegetarian lifestyle. He never said much about his disillusionment and break with the Volturi but his topaz eyes told the story for him if his experiences with Aro and his brothers had been anything like mine.

Victor had been living outside Winnipeg for a few years now. He was what I might politely term, tortured, for lack of a better word. He was drawn to do penance for his innumerable past sins and debauchery that had continued long into his vampire existence, using his charm to kill indiscriminately, particularly drawing in females just as he had as a lusty university student.

These were his words, not mine. I had tried time and again over the years to get him to forgive himself but his eyes would flash angrily as he'd run a hand through his thick dark hair and say it was not his own forgiveness he was concerned about, but God's. "And that should take the rest of my existence!" He'd exclaim in his rich bass voice, a wry smile breaking the dark cloud on his perfectly strong-angled face.

Right now, he was serving his penance in a remote Benedictine monastery outside of Winnipeg where the brothers asked no questions and Victor was left free to roam the Manitoba wilderness to satisfy his hunting needs.

He'd been more than a little surprised to see me. And actually, I'd been more than a little surprised to find myself outside the spartan stone building that served as the monks' home. I had not intended to go so far. It'd just started out as trying to put some distance between Esme and myself to keep from hurting her any more than I already had.

But it still wasn't far enough. Even as I looked into the surprised pale countenance of my old friend, only one image dominated my mind. Esme. Surrounded by sunlight and all of my collected treasures over the years. And yet, she was my most prized treasure. I would trade all of it for that one moment we'd shared in the study.

I was slowly realizing I could not outrun my feelings for her. So when I'd seen the "Welcome to Winnipeg" sign, I'd decided to make a pit stop and connect with my old friend. Someone who could relate to feeling pretty lousy about the choices one had made. Perhaps he could help me find the perspective I so desperately needed as he had so often over the years as we'd debated right and wrong, good and evil, what we deserved.

He quickly overcame his surprise and we took a meandering walk through the vineyards next to the monastery so as to not rouse any suspicion on the part of his fellow monks. As we walked in silence until far enough away to have no worry of eavesdroppers, I felt a small smile touch my lips as I thought of how Victor seemed to gravitate to different religious lifestyles in his quest to atone—a demon among angels. I wish he wouldn't punish himself so, but I did admire his dedication.

The sun was fading in a final burst of oranges, pinks, and purples. I idly reached out and plucked a ripe grape, gently rolling it between my fingers. Victor walked at my slow pace beside me, a stark contrast in his brown woolen cowl. He was a good head taller than me with a large athletic frame to go along with his strong jaw and sharp cheekbones. He'd never needed the vampire's camouflage to draw the ladies in but it hadn't hurt him either. However, since his dedication to atonement, his eyes were solely on that task. No woman had been able to tempt him in I don't know how many decades now.

I knew I wasn't unattractive, but I'd certainly never drawn the interest that he had from female companions either while human or vampire. I'd been considered a thinker, a scholar. Definitely not the sparkling conversationalist Vic had been. And now there was only one female I desired above all others as a companion and ironically, I was the one _she_ didn't want.

After a few minutes of companionable silence, Victor finally cleared his throat. I still had not spoken, had not said what brought me here. Finally he broke the silence. "So…" His deep voice trailed off. I heard the question in his tone even if he didn't say it aloud.

Twilight had descended, usually a peaceful time for me. But not now. I felt no peace. I'd determined that was because anywhere away from Esme was not peaceful. I looked up and saw the evening star twinkling down. A small sigh escaped me. "So." I returned.

I turned to find Victor staring intensely at my face, his thick black brows knitted in concern. I gave a quick, tight smile meant to reassure but I realized it must never have reached my eyes because his frown deepened. " You know you are always welcome, my friend. But if you don't mind me asking, what the hell are you doing here?"

A harsh chuckle jerked out of my throat involuntarily. I clapped a hand on his broad shoulder. "I'm not really sure myself. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Where do I even start?" I frowned as I tried to figure out how much I should say. All of my emotions were a big rolling storm inside me and I hadn't even figured them out for myself yet.

His quiet tone cut through my thoughts. "I find the beginning is usually a good place." We'd continued our walk. I kept my gaze forward looking into the endless horizon as more and more stars appeared in the darkening night sky.

"Victor, I've done something terrible." His motion stopped and he jerked in my direction. A sidelong glance confirmed the shock I knew would be on his face. His lips moved upward in a half-smile. "And so you've come to join me in penance."

A mirthless laugh escaped me. "Alas, no." I paused. "I _should._" I hastily added. "But I could never leave Edward." _Or Esme_, my inner voice whispered.

"I would ask if you finally took a life, but I can see from your eyes that is not the case." I could hear the very real curiosity in his tone. Victor, like the Voluturi, had always been fascinated by my resolve to never take human life for my own sustenance.

"Not in the way you mean." I responded. His gaze was questioning but steady. I found myself turning away, looking in the distance again. "She was dying. I had to save her. I don't know why, but I did. Her scent…I remembered." My words came out in a rush then trailed off as the memory of her scent filled my nostrils. An impossibility but still seeming so very real as if she were right next to me. I drew a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to steady the slight tremble that ran through my body at her mere _memory_.

This is ridiculous, I thought. She's hundreds of miles away and just the thought of her affects me as if _she_ were the one standing in the vineyard with me. She'd love it here, I thought before I could stop myself. _Get control of yourself!_ My inner voice was back. Imagining romantic rendezvous' with her everywhere I went is what got me here in the first place.

"Save her? How exactly did you 'save her'?" The misery overwhelmed me washing up from my toes until I felt a faint throb behind my eyes. I looked toward the sky, almost as if asking for some kind of reprieve. But there was none. "I changed her." My voice was so soft, it almost made no sound. The guilt weighing on my chest throbbed as if my heart was about to start beating again.

As the silence grew, I couldn't stop myself. I rolled my head to the right. Victor looked perplexed and his mouth kept opening and closing as if he were searching for words, finding them and taking them back at the last second. I knew he would never condemn me. Not when he considered his crimes to be so much greater than mine. But he was wrong. I had yet again failed and let my selfish nature shine through. It wasn't bad enough that I'd condemned Edward to this existence with no choice in the matter. But now Esme as well.

"You changed who?" I guess he finally found a safe enough question.

"Esme." Her name came out in a whisper and I felt a stab in my heart just at how good and how very painful it was to have her name on my lips. I gave a slight shake of my head. This had to stop. Self-pity would get me nowhere and I was starting to annoy myself. I couldn't imagine what Victor must be thinking. This was not who I was. I focused more on the feelings of those around me, caring for others. At least that's who I used to be. Until her. And my rash decision. This is why I had always put so much store in reason, surrounded myself with books, prided myself on my rationality. It was time for me to get back to that old Carlisle.

I straightened my shoulders and turned to face Victor straight on. I cleared my throat determined now to light my path in the right direction. As I looked at my friend's confused face, I felt a chuckle rumble in my chest. Yes, he was a handsome devil but at that moment, I wished nothing more in the world than for him to be slender woman with curves in all the right places and soft caramel-colored hair and the sweetest smile to match. I wished she was here so I could say these things to her. Then again, I'd probably chicken out.

"She's an angel, Vic. You should see her. But she's just as beautiful inside as out. I couldn't resist. I couldn't bear to see her pass from this life. I can't explain. I just acted on pure impulse. So unlike me." I flashed a quick smile and he grinned back, nodding. "And she's amazing. She treats Edward like a son. She's so loving toward him, so nurturing. I didn't realize how much he needed a mother's touch until she came along. She's made our house a home. She never complains." My eyes drifted to the distance as all of my memories for the past six months flooded through my mind.

Victor gave me a hard look. "Sounds perfect. So what's the problem?" Yes, what _was _the problem? It was harder to conjure up now, my body singing in response to my final memory of our encounter in the study. And then I remembered the look on her face. That horror-stricken look as I'd unwrapped her arms, the angry tone in her last words to me. Right. Big problem. I took her life away and she hated me for it.

I must have said it aloud because suddenly Victor threw back his head and let out a hearty guffaw. With a final snort, he looked at me the laughter making him look so very young as he gleamed in the moonlight. "Oh Carlisle. As long as I've known you _this_ has been your biggest problem." I felt a little prick of resentment at his words. He clapped me hard on the back and it sounded like a small clap of thunder.

"You care too much what others think. Don't get me wrong. It can be very noble at times. I know that many lives have been saved because of that concern of yours. And if you didn't care, you would never have ended up in Oxford or as my friend." He paused and his smile got wider. All I could see were his full set of razor-sharp teeth. Lucky for me I wasn't a human. I would have been terrified.

He continued, "But did it ever occur to you that if you hadn't acted, this wonderful woman you obviously care about and has brought so much joy to your son, would be dead? You gave her life. You didn't take it away. And if she's half the giving woman you've described, then she doesn't hate you for that. She's probably grateful." He raised one shoulder in a half shrug as if this should be obvious to me.

I looked at him warily, afraid to hope but not able to deny the slight flicker in my gut as his words sunk in. "You love her." His tone was sober now and he said it matter of factly. "More than my life." The words poured out without thought. That was getting to be a bad habit. But I wouldn't take them back. There were never truer words.

"Then go back to her. Tell her. I'll bet you'll be surprised at her reaction." Oh, I bet I wouldn't.

He must have seen the resistance in my eyes. "All right then. Start slow. Be her friend. Let her get to know the real you. _Not_ the guilt-ridden martyr you are being right now. That man is _definitely_ no fun to be around. But the real Carlisle, well, he can be quite charming when he wants to be. _And_ the best of friends." I absorbed his words. He was scrutinizing my reaction.

"You want my advice, friend?" I looked at him. I didn't respond. I knew his question was rhetorical. And he knew I valued his advice always. "Go _home_. Be there for her. When the time is right, you will know. And if not, well, we can always use help picking grapes." His wide bright smile lifted my heart and I felt my head nodding in agreement.

I reached out and grasped his hand in a firm shake. "How did you get so wise, my old friend?: I grinned at him feeling a little giddy at the thought that I would soon be back in my beloved's presence. He returned my grip and said, "I guess I've just listened to my much wiser friends over the years. Now go. We will meet again."

I let go and he grasped my shoulder before I could take off. "Oh, and Carlisle? Don't screw this up. I don't know anyone who deserves happiness more than you." I saw a shadow flicker in his eyes at those last words but I didn't take the time to ponder as the thought of Esme pulsed through me and my steps urged me faster and faster toward New York. And home.

And so here I stood. Still debating what to do. What to say. But before I could decide, I saw her. Or her outline at least. She was standing in the window of the study, her arms crossed over her chest. She was looking out over the sea. At least that was my guess. With my vampire's vision, I was actually able to see her face, even at this distance. I felt my breath hitch in my throat with the agony and the ecstasy. Ecstasy to see that she was far, far lovelier than even in my sharp memory. My memories did her no justice. The agony because she looked so very, very sad. Almost broken in a way.

And instinctively, I knew I was the cause of that look. Angels should not look like that. She looked like she desperately needed a friend. And I knew just who she could count on. The best friend she would ever have. Whether she wanted me or not.

**Esme's POV**

I'd never longed to have a friend more in my life. Even in my human life when my violent husband had made my life a living hell, isolating me from all others, dooming me to the loneliest of existences. It had been nothing compared to the absolute devastation I'd felt that past two days since Carlisle left. A bitter upturn forced my lips up. No, I was wrong. This _was_ the loneliest of existences. Because the only friend I wanted in my whole world, well, he didn't want to have anything to do with me.

As I looked out into the darkness, my eyes on the very man who meant more to me than anything. The very man who had run out two days before with not a word to either me or his son. I knew Edward was worried. I knew that this had been completely out of character for Carlisle. But aloud, Edward only voiced that I shouldn't take it to heart, that he would return.

I knew he knew what had happened between us in the study. Only because I'd replayed it a million, okay maybe a billion times in my mind. Poor Edward. I sighed as I thought about how very uncomfortable that must have been for him. And how very sweet he'd been to me. He was truly a thoughtful considerate boy. And so discreet.

I couldn't take my eyes off of Carlisle. I had no idea how long he'd been standing in the small group of trees in front of the house. But I'd been drawn to the window and now I knew why. Because he was my sun. And I was his planet, everything about me pointed toward him, revolving around him. He warmed me, he gave me light, he kept my life going. I'd been a shell without him.

I found I couldn't leave the study. I kept lovingly running my hands over all of his leather bound books, picking up his model frigate, looking at the paintings I'd found in the attic and hung on the west wall. The paintings that told the story of my love's life. Well, the story I imagined. He'd never actually told me of his old life. Told me much of anything. But I knew he must be from London. I knew I wasn't the only one who thought of him as an angel. Some other painter had as well, capturing him so perfectly, so gloriously.

I knew he loved poetry. There were volumes and volumes, some so old and brittle, I'd been afraid to turn too many pages. Tucked behind one of the larger tomes, I'd found a small brown leather bound book. I maneuvered until I was able to pull it out. It had faded gilt letters that said _Eternal Love_. As I'd opened it, I found so many obviously well-loved passages.

It was a book of sonnets. A few had dog-eared pages, some had notes in the margin. I spent hours lovingly tracing his elegant scrawl, reading the words that had obviously moved him, finding myself as entranced. Every word about love and eternity was a stab to my heart. My Carlisle. _This_ was who he was. Did he know it? He was pure love. Eternal love. If only he could see that.

I shuffled through the pages and then the book just opened to about the middle. I guess it was a page he turned to often. I noticed that there were two sonnets on the facing pages. And then my eye fell on the left page where there were markings. Elizabeth Barrett Browning.. My favorite. I glanced down at the ink marring the page. My breath stopped. The last line had been underlined. Vigorously. And beside the words…my name. Written in his lovely scrawl. What did this mean. My finger reached out and traced the phrase he'd marked.

_For whom I love alone._ I read through the sonnet quickly. It was not one I was familiar with but it seemed to say much of how I felt about Carlisle. And then I got to the last line again. It was almost too much to hope for. My eyes closed briefly as I conjured his lovely face in my mind, as I thought of the feel of his lips on mine. His tongue dancing with mine. Heat began to flush my body. But just as quickly, I felt the ice cold that had engulfed me since he left. I shook my head. I shouldn't read too much into this. He _did_ leave after all.

Just as I was about to snap the book shut in disgust, my eyes caught the sonnet on the opposite page. It was one of my favorite. _How Do I Love Thee?_ As the familiar words flowed before my eyes, they took on a meaning that had never been there before. Because I'd never loved before Carlisle. And then my eyes, fell on the last line and truer words had never been written. _I shall but love thee better after death._

I picked up a pen lying on the desk and underlined that phrase. Vigorously. And then beside the words, I spelled out _Carlisle_. On impulse, I childishly signed below, _Love, Mrs. Dr. Carlisle Cullen_. A hysterical giggle bubbled out of me followed shortly by a burst of panic. Oh God, what if he came back and saw this?

I slammed the book shut, threw the pen down and that's when I knew he was back. How, I'll never know. But I made my way to the window on the east wall overlooking the tempestuous sea. The waves were loud tonight. But not loud enough to drown out my thoughts of Carlisle and the last time we'd been together. And there he was.

A marble statue among the trees. He stared at the house, a look of longing on his face. Defensively, I crossed my arms over my chest. I felt as if he were looking right through me, into my heart and saw all of the ugliness he'd run away from. It was obvious he longed to be home. But with his hesitation, I couldn't help but feel that was because of me. And that hurt. A lot. I thought it hadn't been possible to hurt any more than I had. In fact, it had almost become a numbness in the past day or so.

And I just felt incredibly sad. The saddest I'd felt since my dear baby died. Since I'd tried to…

But Carlisle had given me a second chance. A chance to make things right. I felt like I was starting to do that with Edward. If only Carlisle would let me be there for him. Just as a friend. Nothing more. Oh I wanted more. But he had no idea how I shamed myself in glorying in any scrap of attention he gave me. I wanted to be there for him, just as he'd been for me in the beginning. Would he let me?

Well, there wasn't going to be any letting. I was going to _make_ him. If it took the next 100 years, I was going to be the best damn friend he ever had.

After all, I loved him even better after death. Enough for the both of us.


	5. Revelations

A/N: Wow, this is the longest chapter I've ever written! Carlisle and Esme had a lot to reveal! This chapter is for believers in true love and how it never dies…I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I am writing this story because I am a fan of Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight Saga. I do not own any of the characters, plot lines or any Twilight-related materials. I only claim ownership to my own unique imaginings.

Whom I Love Alone

Chapter 5: Revelations

**Carlisle's POV**

Esme was going to have to wait. I could only pray that I wouldn't be too late when I finally found her. Finally had the chance to beg her forgiveness. I'd fully intended on racing up the stairs to my study once I'd finally found the courage. The devastatingly sad look on her face had been the motivation I'd needed to leave the safety of the trees.

But when I opened the doors the sad strains of a Beethoven sonata were coming from the conservatory, a small room just off of the living room that Esme had insisted on fixing up for Edward to work on his music.

I inwardly sighed. Edward. What kind of father had I been? To run off with no explanation. I'm sure he'd been worried. I was almost to the door of the conservatory when the music stopped. I guess he knew I was here. I paused with my hand on the door knob.

"Come on in, Carlisle." My son's velvet voice pierced through the closed door. As much as my entire body was screaming out for Esme, to be in her presence, my mind knew it was just as important to make things right with Edward. Softly I turned the knob and slowly swung the door open.

Esme had decorated the room in an off-white with midnight blue accents. It looked almost ethereal in the kerosene lamp light that burned from the lamps all around the room. Edward was seated at the ebony grand piano. He was leaning with his elbow on the edge, his head resting against his palm. His other hand was lovingly tracing the ivory keys silently, not pushing them into the beautiful notes I knew he could make.

He was not looking at me, instead looking down at the fingers on the keys. I noticed that his normally marble-smooth brow was furrowed as if in concentration. Or anger. The guilt of what I'd done washed over me. I opened my mouth to apologize but his smooth voice rang out before I made a sound. "I'm not the one you need to apologize to."

He raised his eyes then and just as there had been no anger in his voice, I saw no anger in his eyes either. Just concern. He was such a good person. "I'm _not_." His voice was emphatic and I could tell he really believed that which grieved me to no end. He shook his head and smiled crookedly as he sat up, moving his elbow off the piano. "Not really." _You are_, I thought. _I wish you could see that._

He and I had gotten good over the years at these half-spoken aloud conversations. It was just very easy falling into the habit of carrying on my side in my mind. At that moment, it struck me as being a wise thing to do since Esme was upstairs. I didn't want her to hear what I had to say secondhand. I wanted to have a real, honest conversation with her, start building the foundation of the friendship I hoped to share with her.

With a loud sigh, Edward pushed himself up from the piano bench and went to stand in front of the round window in the room as I took a seat in a blue captain's chair. Resting my arms on the armrests, I steepled my fingers resting my chin on them as I contemplated my son's profile. His look was pensive as he stared out into the clear night. This was one of those rare times that I wished I knew what he was thinking instead of the other way around.

"Careful what you wish for Carlisle." He half-smiled wryly as he turned to look at me. _Sorry_. I half-smiled in return. _I know it's tiresome. Knowing everyone's thoughts. Keeping everyone's secrets. I know what a burden it must be._ He shrugged nonchalantly but saw his jaw tighten as he clenched his teeth. _Well, regardless, I thank you for not revealing mine._ He bowed his head once in acknowledgement.

I tensed as I heard the front door open and then quietly close. I sprung up intending to follow Esme and Edward stopped me as he spoke. "She's not going far. Just down to the cliff." I swiveled back around. "Edward, I—" But he cut me off, raising one palm upward, facing in my direction. "Dad, I know. You're sorry. But honestly, no apology is necessary. At least not to me. You'd best go to her. She needs to hear these things much more than I. Trust me." His lips turned up in a small, knowing smile, his eyes shining as if he knew something I didn't. Which was likely true.

I longed to ask him what she was thinking, if she'd even be receptive to my offer of friendship but I never put him in the position of betraying another's thoughts. It wasn't fair when he already had to carry the burden of hearing them. Like the eternal life I'd given him without permission, he'd had no say in the ability that had followed him into his vampire life. "Yes, I owe her an apology." And so much more.

"I think I'll just go to my room now. I have some studying to do." He sauntered over to the piano, picking up his black leather journal that went everywhere with him. "Good night, son." He rested his hand on my shoulder and I reached up and squeezed it. _And thank you._ He patted my shoulder and murmured, "It's nothing. I'm glad you're back. And she will be too." Then he was gone.

I took a deep breath and was immediately engulfed in jasmine and lotus. Her scent was everywhere. And I'd missed it. I'd only thought it had followed me to Canada. I let it lead me back out into the warm night, down the path that led to the cliff overlooking the eternal ocean. I heard the waves crashing and the cricket symphony playing under the millions of stars that blanketed the black night sky.

It was the deepest part of the night, maybe three or four o'clock. The tall grass on either side of the trail whispered. I swore they were saying her name. The waves continued crashing against the rocks. I was close now and followed the bend in the trail just out of sight of the house.

There she was.

She was sitting on a boulder close to the edge of the cliff. Her shoulders were slightly slumped, her head bowed. The wind was making her caramel waves billow all around her shoulders, once in a while giving a tantalizing view of the slender column of her milk-white neck. She looked very small and defeated. And that was all my fault.

Her fingers were entwined together and she was staring down into her open palms as she silently twisted them. For the second time that night, I wished I had Edward's gift. But then again, to confirm that I was the cause of such pain…

I sighed. Startled, her head whipped around. She gasped as she met my eyes and one of her small hands flew up covering those perfect lips that I'd been privileged enough to taste only a few days before. My own lips tingled at the memory. Good God, had it only been a few days? It seemed an eternity. This time it wasn't the grass who whispered.

"Carlisle." Just the sound of her breathy voice felt like a caress against my skin. I cleared my throat as it had constricted at the sight and sound of her. "Good evening, Esme." I sounded every inch the stuffy Brit. Not really the start I had imagined as I'd daydreamed of this reunion all the way across Canada on my way home.

I noticed that her tawny eyes were darting around as if looking for an escape route. I couldn't let that happen. Not now that I'd worked up my nerve. And now that I was in her presence, I wasn't sure I could _not_ be in it. Not now. Actually, not ever. And as painful as I knew this conversation might be, it definitely felt right just being here. With her. Near her.

I slowly began to move toward her, almost creeping, as if she were a skittish deer who might take off at any moment. She definitely had a wary look as she watched my every movement. I was beside her now and I slowly lowered myself until I was at her level, shifting my weight effortlessly on the balls of my feet. Her gaze never wavered from mine even as I saw the wariness and yes, even the pain.

"Mind if I join you?" I looked down to see the waves crashing against the jagged rocks below and swirling in little whirlpools. It was several hundred feet down from where we sat. A flash of my own experience at the cliffs of Dover crossed my mind. It was a whirling, swirling fury, yet, beautiful at the same time. A perfect metaphor for the feelings crashing all around inside me at the moment.

Her right hand and my left hand rested on the rough stone less than an inch apart. I longed to touch her yet that inch seemed as far as the drop to the sea below. Her hand twitched at that moment as if she physically stopped herself from reaching out to touch my hand. But I was sure I was reading far too much into that smallest of movements. I shook my head slightly and looked up and at her.

She was looking out at the ocean as the moon glittered down, cutting a silvery swath across the dark waves. She looked wistful and yet, there was great tension in her body. She held herself so stiffly. I cleared my throat. She turned to look at me, probably startled by the sound. At first, the words I'd intended to speak left me as I fell into the golden pools of her eyes. I could swim in them forever if she'd just let me.

"Esme, I owe you an apology." Apparently some part of my brain realized I needed to stop sitting there staring at her like an idiotic moron. "That day in the study…" I saw the embarrassment creep into her eyes and she started to turn her head back toward the sea. I couldn't let that happen. For some reason, I knew that if she broke the connection, I'd lose my words. Lose my courage.

I raised a hand and cupped her cheek with my palm, turning her face back toward mine. I felt an electrical jolt between her cheek and my hand and nearly pulled my hand away. Until she reached up with both of her hands and gripped my wrist as if it were a life preserver. Perhaps she was not as immune from my touch as I thought. I felt a flicker of hope rise in my chest.

I let my fingertip lightly caress her soft-as-silk cheek. Her eyes closed briefly and she leaned her head into my touch, almost nuzzling my palm. I nearly came undone. Just her mere touch made me feel as if my joints were coming unhinged. I'd never wanted a woman so badly in nearly three hundred years. Yet, there were still words that needed to be said. I needed to focus.

I let my hand slip until it was between both of hers and I gently pulled them to me. She slightly turned toward me, following the movement. I turned toward her too, so that now we were facing each other. I took one of her hands in each of my own, intertwining our fingers. There. If we were bound together as such, she couldn't run away from me. I knew I would never run away from her again.

She was looking down at our joined hands. I wanted her to look up. I needed to see her eyes. Almost as if she had heard me, her thick lashes slowly raised and she met my gaze head-on. The fire in them stopped my breath. No, she was definitely not immune to me. And I was starting to think that maybe she didn't hate me after all. That thought gave me my voice back.

"I should never have run off like that. Leaving you and Edward to worry…it was very foolish. And rude. And I'm so very sorry." She tilted her head to the side, studying my face. Her voice was husky as she asked, "Is everything okay?" Good grief, I'd left her alone with no explanation and she was worried about _me_? We were quite a pair.

"It is now." I said softly. She looked at me quizzically. "Being home. Being here. With you." A small smile touched her lips and my whole world lit up in colors I'd never imagined before. Her pale skin gleamed in the moonlight, giving her an otherworldly look. She was so enticingly beautiful that I was sure my heart would have skipped a beat if it could have.

Hoping to lighten things up a bit, I casually asked, "So what were you doing out here? Not contemplating jumping to get away from me I hope?" I was just teasing her but her whole body stiffened as if an electric shock had gone through her—her grip on my hands tightened to painful pressure—and the desolation in her eyes took my breath away. My casual attempt at friendship was obviously going south fast.

What on earth had I said? Oh, good God! Had she truly been contemplating jumping? Surely she knew that wouldn't end her life? _Did_ she want to her life? I had to get through to her, be there for her. If I was going to be her friend or even more than that, it was time for me to reveal my secrets with her. I could only hope that my revelations would help her, not drive her over the edge of the cliff. I _really_ was not in the mood for a cliff dive.

And as I'd already established in my long-dead heart, I'd follow her to the ends of the earth. Or to the depths of the sea. Whichever came first.

**Esme's POV**

I'd come out to the cliff to get some fresh air, clear my mind which always seemed to cloud up anytime I was in the same house as Carlisle. I sighed in disgust. Not even in the same room. Besides, I had wanted to give him and Edward some privacy. I'd heard the beginning of Carlisle's apology. I'd come between them enough in the past six months.

Of course, as I'd sat watching the waves crash against the rocks, I'd tried to conjure up the last time I'd been on the edge of a cliff. A bitter smile touched my lips as I realized how very different the circumstances were. Despite the distance between Carlisle and I at the moment, I still had hope. Hope that we could come to a comfortable co-existence of some sort, even if he didn't return my love.

And then I heard him. The man I'd just been thinking of. He didn't look real as he stood several feet from me. I'd been startled and unconsciously I sighed his name, "Carlisle". I hadn't expected him to come to me. He was glowing in the moonlight, his golden hair reflecting back and truly making it seem like a halo. He would always be my guardian angel. He was staring at me warily as if afraid I was about to run or perhaps afraid _he_ might run if I made any sudden movement. I glanced all around looking for his possible escape routes because I was determined that should he run, I was going to follow him. "Good evening, Esme." A slight shiver ran down my spine at the sound of his rich voice.

But then he surprised me again. He began moving toward me in slow motion. As if he was corralling a wild horse. I wanted to smile at his careful movements. I hope he wasn't doing this for my benefit. "Mind if I join you?" And then he was perched beside me overlooking the swirling waters below. His hand was less than an inch from mine and I had the overwhelming urge to just grab it and never let go. The urge was so strong that I involuntarily felt my hand begin to move and had to stop myself at the last possible second.

I had to get control of myself or I would completely disgrace myself just as I had that day in the study and would probably just send him running for the hills again. Or wherever it was that he'd spent the past two days. I held myself as stiffly as I could since my body seemed to disagree with my mind and was insistent on being in contact with him. I looked out at the sea trying to school the emotions churning inside me.

I heard a slight sound as if he was clearing his throat. Before I could stop myself, I turned in his direction and then I was lost. His eyes met mine and they looked so warm, so kind. I knew he must have some concern about me. He was the most compassionate man I'd ever known. I had to remind myself that compassion did not equal love and to stop getting my hopes up. Otherwise they'd just end up as dashed as the water throwing itself against the jagged rocks below.

"Esme, I owe you an apology." Okay, if he apologized for kissing me, I felt I might just possibly push him off this cliff. "That day in the study…" he trailed off. Ashamed of how brazen I'd been that day and a little annoyed that he seemed to think so too, I had to break eye contact. But just as I went to stare at the ocean again, just as I felt it was hopeless, to dare dream that he might possibly feel the same way I did, it happened.

He reached out and turned my face toward his. His touch was electric. Although we would be cool to the human touch, my cheek felt aflame where he cupped it. A felt a twitch in his fingers and I knew that I could not lose his touch. Not now. Not wanting him to take it away, I reached up with both hands and gripped his wrist and forearm. I felt the marble hard-muscles and tendons clench under my touch and I just gripped harder. I couldn't bear it if denied his touch another second longer.

Without warning, his fingertips caressed my cheek and if there had been any part of me not in love with Carlisle Cullen, at that moment I fell completely head, body, and soul for the good doctor. Without thought, I turned into his warm touch, nuzzling his palm. I saw the fire light in his eyes at that small gesture. My heart leapt with the thought it might have the chance to touch his.

Then I remembered all of my secrets and my heart sunk a little at the thought. If I truly wanted to capture his, then I knew that I would have to tell him everything. All of my dark actions would have to be revealed to him if I were to have any hope that we could have a lasting relationship. It was the only way. But how?

He'd joined our hands together while I was thinking and had turned me to face him. Just as I was about to speak, he beat me to it. "I should never have run off like that. Leaving you and Edward to worry…it was very foolish. And rude. And I'm so very sorry." I tilted my head to the side at his words, studying his face. He sounded so guilty, so sad. It nearly broke my heart. Feeling my own guilt over what I needed to tell him and concerned for him, my voice came out lower than I intended, "Is everything okay?" He looked a little surprised at my question.

"It is now." He said softly. I looked at him, unsure of what he meant. Then his next words blew me away. "Being home. Being here. With you." If my heart was still beating I'm sure it would have zoomed at a million miles a minute at those words. He _did_ care about me. I couldn't help it. A smile touched my lips as I exulted in the realization that he just might want me as much as I wanted him. Or maybe half as much as I wanted him. I 'm not sure anyone could want a person as badly as I wanted Carlisle Cullen.

Before I could reciprocate and tell him how happy I was to be with him, the world came crashing down around me. His tone casual, he said, "So what were you doing out here? Not contemplating jumping to get away from me I hope?" I felt as if an electric shock had gone through me. Without thinking I tightened my grip on his hands. Did he know? Had Edward said something? No. The look on his face told me he had no idea what was wrong with me. I realized then that he'd only been attempting to tease me. How could he have possibly known that the reason I was sitting here on this cliff with him was because I _had_ jumped. Once upon a time. I felt a hysterical giggle bubble to my throat as I thought that there weren't many fairy tales that actually began with a suicide attempt.

Well, it was now or never. Perhaps he wouldn't hate me too much when I got done. Wouldn't regret too much having saved a person who'd tried to freely give up the gift of life. I swallowed hard trying to clear the lump that had suddenly formed in my throat. Carlisle's face was a mask of confusion and concern. Okay, I may have reacted a tad badly to his question.

"Carlisle, I need to tell you something." My voice came out barely above a whisper. Thank goodness he was a vampire or he would never have heard me as the wind carried my words out over the ocean. He dropped one of my hands and I suddenly felt cold at the loss of his touch but he immediately brought his hand up and tucked a swirling piece of my hair back behind my ear. He then trailed the backs of his fingers down my cheek while saying, "What is it, love? What's got you so upset? Me?" My breath caught at his touch. I had to inhale deeply to collect my thoughts.

I smiled sadly and shook my head. "No, you—you're quite the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. And no, I wasn't contemplating jumping." I paused and then added quietly, "This time." He raised his eyebrows in question but kept quiet. His hand had moved to curve around my neck and his thumb was rubbing soothingly along my jawline. His eyes were still full of concern but there was also a glint of happiness. I wondered if it had to do with my wonderful statement.

"This is so hard and I don't want you to think badly of me." I paused and took a deep breath to steady my shaking voice. His grip tightened on the fingers that were still entwined with his other hand. I looked down at our joined hands and that knowledge that we were still connected somehow gave me the courage to continue. "I did jump once. From a cliff. The night you found me in the hospital that's what I'd done you see, how I ended up there. And yes, at the time I wanted to die." His eyes tightened as if in pain and he winced slightly. I had to keep going. I looked up and met his gaze.

"I was in so much pain, I wasn't thinking clearly. I just wanted to forget. You see, I had a baby. Little Charlie. He was so very tiny. And perfect. Only I let him get sick and he died when he was two days old. If only…well, never mind that now. I thought maybe if I died, I might see him again. And I didn't really have anything to live for anyway…" I stopped.

Although the memories were fuzzy, the pain was coming back in sharp waves as I thought of my poor baby and how he'd never had a chance. And never would. Yet I—I would get to live forever. It wasn't fair. I sighed, the air whooshing out brokenly. If I could have produced tears I was sure I would be crying at this very moment.

To his credit, Carlisle only looked mildly stricken. And a whole lot concerned. "Oh, Esme, sweetheart. I didn't know. I'm so sorry. That was a very stupid thing to say." I shook my head and tried to smile. "No Carlisle. Don't apologize. You didn't know because I've been too ashamed to say anything. See, I'm just so, so _grateful_ to you for what you did for me that night. You saved me in so many ways not the least of which is my very life." I bowed my head under the weight of my confession. I felt as if I was laid bare with the revelations I'd just shared.

His hand slid from my neck and his finger came under my chin, lifting it, forcing my gaze to his. "You're not the only one to have felt such despair, my dear. I've never shared my change story with you and I don't wish to bore you with all of the details now, but needless to say, I flung myself from a cliff or two in merry old England hoping to destroy the monster I'd become." I looked at him in shock. _He'd_ tried to destroy himself? That seemed so—so at odds with the Carlisle I knew. I felt a little lighter though as the thought sunk in. Maybe he and I had much more in common than I'd thought.

Now I raised my hand and slid my fingertips along his cheek, tracing the high cheekbone that was chiseled on his handsome face. I was in awe. He took in a sharp breath at my touch and his eyes slowly turned into molten lava. I was never sure who made the first move. Maybe it was a mutual meeting of lips but the electricity between us exploded into a full-fledged electrical storm as neither of us could be denied any longer.

Our lips melded into one, hot insistent demanding as we moved together, our tongues darting and mating together. Both his hands were cradling my head, giving him the ability to angle my head in any direction he wished giving us both unbelievable pleasure. My own arms were locked tightly around his torso, moving feverishly up and down his finely muscled back.

I had no idea how long we stayed in the midst of the inferno we'd started but I could feel him begin to slow down. And I didn't want him to. I whimpered in protest but finally he tore his lips away. I had a slight sense of déjà vu from the study. Again, he was the one to put the brakes on and I was the one begging like a wanton. I tried to pull myself together in some semblance of dignity. I stiffened in his arms.

This time he was the one to protest. His deep groan reached all the way to my toes. "Esme, Esme, Esme." He was chanting my name and each time he breathed my name against my lips, I shivered. He suddenly pulled back and looked into my eyes. I was drowning in buttery toffee.

"Esme, I can't stop this. I have to tell you." I felt my unbeating heart sink into my stomach. I was sure he was about to say that we couldn't keep doing this. "I love you. I think I have almost from the moment you came into my life. I just didn't know it." I was trying to concentrate on his words, so I just looked at his mouth. He loved me. Carlisle Cullen _loved_ me. I started to hyperventilate a little. Which was strange since I didn't really need the air. Oh no, how could he love _me?_ He had no idea.

His voice trailed off as he read the tension in my body, heard my gasping for breath and I'm sure I looked absolutely horrified. It was singularly the best and the worst moment of my life. All at the same time. Without warning, he jumped to his feet, ripping his hands from mine and his back going ramrod straight. "I'm sorry, I've obviously overstepped my bounds." His tone was the stuffiest formal English accent I'd ever heard come from his mouth. Usually there was just a trace of his origins.

I quickly jumped to my feet. I wanted to throw my arms around him and never let go. Never make him feel pain. But he needed to know the whole story. "Carlisle, I'm sorry. It's just—just that there's more and before you say anything else, commit yourself to me to the point I can't say no, I have to say this." The hurt in his eyes at what he perceived to be my rejection was causing me physical pain. I literally felt as if a million red hot needles were trying to poke through my skin from head to toe. I had to get a grip and reveal _all_ of my secrets. Then he would be grateful that I didn't let him go any further.

I took a steadying breath and then let the chips fall where they would. "Carlisle, did you hear me? I'm responsible for my baby's death. It's my fault he's dead. I was so stubborn. His father…" I shuddered as the repulsive memory of my husband broke through. He'd treated me as only a monster could. But still, if I'd stayed. I looked at Carlisle then.

His jaw was clenched and I saw anger in his eyes. I knew it would be this way once he learned the truth. But I couldn't stop now. It was as if I'd uncorked a champagne bottle and the whole sordid truth came spewing out.

I hadn't lost my courage but I had lost my voice. It was barely above a whisper. "My husband, well, needless to say, he was not a kind man. He was nothing like you. But I felt I had no choice. My parents thought he was a good 'catch'. So I caved." I gave him a small smile, unsure of myself. He swallowed convulsively but hadn't moved a muscle. At least he was still standing here.

"It wasn't long before I realized just how much of a mistake I made. He was very cruel. First with his words and soon with his fists. Once I realized I was pregnant, I was determined not to raise my child. So I ran." I was unaware but I was shivering uncontrollably as the dry sobs of long unshed tears hit me. I'd never said these words aloud. And while I didn't want Carlisle to think badly of me, I was strangely comfortable talking to him and finally letting all of the poison pent up inside of me out.

Suddenly Carlisle was in front of me and his hands were rubbing up and down my arms as if the friction would stop the shuddering. I looked up into his eyes and I saw his compassion. Of course he would feel sorry for me. That's who he was. But I still saw that glimmer of love he'd spoken of earlier.

"Shhh. Esme. Love. Shhh. No more words. Please. It's not necessary. Nothing you could say would _ever_ change what I feel for you." He briefly leaned in and his lips were feather light against mine. Just the lightest of brushes. He pulled back and his eyes were level with my own. "Oh Carlisle. I don't know how I could have ever gotten so lucky to have you in my life. I love you. I'm in love with you. I have been since I was sixteen. I searched my entire life for you without knowing it. And now, well, now, I could never live eternity without you."

Then his lips crushed against mine and there were no more revelations from either of us. Besides, the most important revelation—our love for each other—well, that was quite enough. At least for me. Forever.


	6. Demons

A/N: As always, thanks so much to those of you who have reviewed and added me to your alerts! I really appreciate it. So this chapter was not in my original plan, but I got a little inspired by a two hour car ride where I listened to nothing but My Chemical Romance and also as I was re-reading Eclipse for the millionth time and a small line that Rosalie has when telling her story to Bella about how her record was cleaner than Esme's. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I am writing this story because I am a fan of Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight Saga. I do not own any of the characters, plot lines or any Twilight-related materials. I only claim ownership to my own unique imaginings.

Whom I Love Alone

Chapter 6: Demons

**Esme's POV**

My first mistake was that I had waited too long to hunt.

My second mistake had been going alone.

And now I was gong to have to call off my wedding which was supposed to take place in three days. Now I was sure it would take place never.

Because some kind of demon had possessed me and now he was dead. And the evidence of my sin was present in my scarlet eyes. Branding me as if they were scarlet letters. And thanks to the demons of my past, my future with the love of my existence was in jeopardy.

I should have known better, but I'd been giddy with happiness at the small private ceremony I'd so meticulously planned over the past few months after Carlisle had so romantically asked me to be his wife shortly after our revelations that we were in love with each other.

That giddiness had made me overconfident in my abilities. Carlisle and Edward had warned me of the dangers of being a newborn vampire. The uncontrollable thirst, not knowing your own strength. How it was harder to control those vampiric instincts. That's why they had always insisted on one or both of them hunting with me.

But I'd been so caught up in the last-minute details of planning my wedding that I'd let my hunger catch up with me. Carlisle was in the middle of a thirty-six hour shift at the hospital and Edward was at Columbia attending class. I'd honestly felt confident that I could handle a small hunting trip by myself.

I'd changed out the silk pale lavender dress I was wearing into my most comfortable, paint-spattered work clothes, a pair of khaki dungarees matched with one of Carlisle's button-down cotton shirts. I'd swiped the shirt early on in my stay, feeling the comfort of being wrapped in his masculine scent—a cross between sandalwood and the slightest hint of vanilla.

It had been my life preserver in those early months when Carlisle did all he could to avoid me. Of course, now I knew it was because he found himself in love with me but thought that I resented him for bringing me into the vampire life. And so as I'd left to hunt, I still felt as if Carlisle were with me. If only he had been!

As I'd made my way to upstate New York, I'd been daydreaming of our wedding and the honeymoon to come, which Carlisle was keeping as a surprise, thinking how lucky I was that I was about to start the rest of my eternity with the most perfect man I'd ever met. My musings were interrupted by the sounds of a woman screaming. I heard the angry deep voice of a man saying horrible things to her, and then I heard a sound that I knew all too well. That man's closed fist connecting with the woman's soft flesh.

My body shuddered to a complete stop and I began shivering uncontrollably. At that moment, consumed with the sense memories of my first miserable marriage, my vampire nature took complete control of my senses and my body.

In a matter of seconds, I found the isolated cabin deep in the woods. It was a small dwelling but it was filled with big trouble. The woman was no longer screaming. Or making any sound at all for that matter. But the man was still yelling, his speech slurred in a drunken rage. Oh yes, too well did I know the signs.

I was not thinking but merely acting on pure vampiric instinct as I kicked in the wooden door. The man looked up in shock, his bloodshot eyes finding it hard to focus on me, as the thick wood splintered all around the tiny living room. I barely registered the furniture overturned and in disarray scattered around the room.

It was over in a matter of seconds. There was nothing to be done for the lifeless battered woman lying at the foot of the big brutish drunk. He bore a striking resemblance to my former husband, Charles. Later, I would be unsure of this as I recounted the episode in my mind. But I was completely sure of it at the time.

And all I saw was red as the rage and bloodlust took over. As his lifeless body thudded next to his dead wife, my hunger sated in a way I'd never experienced before, the horror of what I'd just done washed over me. It was in that instant that I understood why Carlisle and Edward had tried to spare me from this…this guilt that overwhelmed me at the idea that I had taken a human life.

I had to escape what I had done. I headed for home as numbness overtook me. I realized that all my dreams of a future with Carlisle were over. I'd have to pack a bag and leave. He'd be so disappointed in what I'd done and of course, repulsed. He'd most likely hate me as well.

I rounded so that I was approaching our home from the back. There was a huge full willow tree in the middle of the back lawn, a few hundred feet from the white clapboard house. I ducked under the cascading branches that brushed the ground.

I barely made it before I felt my body collapse on itself. I sank to the ground drawing my knees up. I wrapped my arms around my shins and rested my chin on my knees. I squeezed as hard as I could, sure that I was about to rip apart at the seams. I gulped in deep breaths of salty sea air trying to steady my shaking limbs and calm down enough to in and pack my bag. I still wasn't sure where I was going to go. I just knew that I needed to leave before Carlisle came back and learned what I had done. And Edward too.

I shattered then in dry heaving sobs. It was a strange sensation to still be able to cry with no tears. I'd lost my family again. And both times, it was my fault. The knowledge that I'd ripped my own dreams and hopes to shreds was more than I could bear.

But before I could get up and run, I felt myself pulled into a steel cage. No, not a cage. The immovable embrace of the boy I'd come to think of as my son. He was here. He knew. I dissolved into a fresh bout of dry sobs as I realized that my son now knew I was a demon. Now he'd know that I had to leave. That I couldn't be a part of their family any longer. Huh. It _was_ possible to feel even worse. How strange.

**Edward's POV**

I'd heard the pain and confusion when she'd been a couple of miles out. But until I'd found her crumpled under the willow tree in the backyard, I hadn't fully appreciated her devastation. Of course I knew what had happened. In fact, I had called Carlisle at the hospital before she'd even arrived.

"Edward." His voice had been worried. He knew something was wrong. I'd never interrupted him at work before. "Carlisle, it's Esme. She slipped. You have to come home. Now." I heard the phone clatter on the other end and knew he was gone.

I knew she was close by and followed her thoughts until I'd found her beneath the willow. Wrapped in a tight ball of misery. I immediately dropped to the ground and pulled her into my arms. I put my cheek against the top of her soft hair, wishing I could channel soothing feelings to her.

"Shh, love. Shh. It's okay. I'm here." I whispered, at a loss for how to comfort her. I'd seen the whole terrible tale replaying over and over in her mind. She'd done exactly what I would've done. What I wish I could do to the human bastard who'd done the same sick things to her in her human life.

Her head was tucked against my chest, her body shaking with her heaving sobs. I tried to raise her head by gently grasping her chin, but she resisted and became frantic fighting against me. "No! No!" She began crying hysterically. "Don't look at me! _Please_!" I pushed harder and her head came up but her eyes remained clenched shut. She didn't want me to see her red eyes. This I was picking up from her thoughts.

"Esme. Look at me." My voice sounded commanding, calm. Much more calm than I felt inside as I was bombarded with the unspoken words of her desire for escape, to run away from us. I couldn't let that happen. Not now. Not to Carlisle. He deserved happiness after so many centuries of being alone, of always sacrificing for others. And even if she didn't think so, Esme deserved it too.

Especially after all of those years of suffering at the hands of that violent poor excuse for a husband she'd been subjected to. It caused me physical pain to re-live the nightmare she'd lived, even if it was fuzzy. I loved her like a mother. I barely remembered my own human mother and Esme had filled all of those empty holes I hadn't known existed that only a mother's love could heal.

I grasped her face between both of my hands. "Mom. Look at me. Please." I commanded again. She drew in a deep shuddering breath and to my everlasting relief her eyelids slowly fluttered open. I schooled my face into a mask of compassion as her ruby eyes met my own. The pain and desolation in them would have taken my breath away. Thank God, I didn't need to breathe.

Her misery was mine. I forced my lips into a serene smile. "See, that wasn't so hard." I softly prodded her. "Oh, Edward!" She half-sobbed, her voice full of anguish. "I--I-" I couldn't let her say it aloud. Instinctively I knew it would be too much, too soon. "Shh. It's all right. You don't have to say it." Her body sagged in relief.

Her eyes swimming in misery, I tried to comfort her as best I could buying as much time as I could until my father arrived. "I understand much better than you think. And if I had been in your shoes, I would have done exactly the same." I saw the skepticism in her eyes.

"It's true. He's not going to hate you or be upset with you. He's going to understand. I don't think we've done a good job of explaining that what you did today—well—it's the rule, not the exception." She shook her head between my palms. I heard her disbelief, her disappointment in herself.

"It's our nature, love. We can't all be Carlisle." I gave her a crooked smile. A ghost of a smile tried to move her pink lips up but wasn't quite successful. "Come on. Let's go inside." The wind had picked up and the willow branches were swaying around us. Carlisle was close. If I could just get her inside, he could do the rest—convince her to stay.

I couldn't see the future, but I was confident in my father's ability to take control of the situation, use the compassion he had in abundance to persuade her to stay. Remind her of his enduring love. Surprisingly, she allowed me to grip her hand and pull her to a standing position. I kept my grip on her hand and we walked at a normal pace so as not to startle her until we were safely ensconced in our home.

She allowed me to lead her to Carlisle's study. I knew it was where she felt closest to him—where she felt safest. I swept her on to the oversized black leather sofa where she'd first become part of our family, tucked an afghan around her and waited for my father to come home and convince his love that she was still our angel and not the demon her mind kept screaming that she was.

**Carlisle's POV**

I was not the calm, cool, collected doctor that my patients had faith in. I was the exact opposite as I raced faster than I'd ever run in my life to get home in time. The fear had snaked through my body when I was told my son was on the phone. I knew it couldn't be good and I'd prayed it had nothing to do with Esme. I'd been living on a high knowing that in three long days she would be bound to me forever. And Edward's call had sent me crashing back to Earth.

I had failed Esme utterly. I'd never made it clear to her that if someday she did give in to her vampire nature, that it would be okay. That it was even understandable. Instead, Edward and I had tried to protect her—to shield her. I should have been smart enough to know that I couldn't protect her from everything no matter how hard I tried.

The house was in sight. _Edward, I'm here._ I had no idea where they were. I hoped inside. The front door swung open and Edward filled the frame. I slowed coming to a stop. _How bad is it?_ But I already knew. I could see it written on his face. It was bad. He shook his head slightly and placed his index finger against his lips. He motioned me to follow him. It was one of the hardest things I ever did because I wanted to tear through the house as fast as I could until I could see my angel and reassure her. But I forced myself to match his pace.

We ascended the stairs and he stopped in front of my study door. Nothing could have prepared me for the sight that met me. Even in those first few confusing days after her change, Esme had never looked so desolate, so absolutely devastated. I involuntarily took in a sharp breath. Her head had been cast down so I hadn't seen her eyes but I guess she heard the sound, probably caught my scent because she gave a small cry and her hands flew up to cover her eyes. Almost like a child playing hide-and-seek. But this was no game. I was on the verge of losing my hope for the future.

I had forgotten Edward standing at my elbow. "I'm going to give you some privacy." I turned and gave him a grateful look. _Thank you, son._ He gave a short nod and then he was gone. Esme still had her hands over her eyes and she was trembling. But she hadn't made a sound since that initial cry of dismay. I silently made my way to the sofa and knelt down beside her.

"Esme, love. Please look at me." I reached a hand up and lightly grasped her left wrist trying to gently pry it from her face. But it would not budge. She was still a newborn and much stronger than me. I couldn't remove it without hurting her. So instead, I found myself lightly moving my hand up and down her forearm in a soothing caress.

Her lips were quivering as they would be if she were crying. My unbeating heart was breaking in a million pieces. "Sweetheart. It's okay. Please. It won't upset me. In fact, this is entirely my fault." That did it. She gasped in shock and her hands flew from her face. I was confronted with the ruby eyes confirming how I'd failed her.

It was not hard to make sure that my expression was one of compassion. Because I'd never felt so sorry for another being in my entire existence. As she scanned my face, her face crumpled in misery and she looked away, unable to meet my gaze. I shifted my weight and scooted her until there was room on the edge for me to sit as I faced her.

My right hand grasped her left hand and I rubbed my finger over the fiery opal and diamond ring I had placed on her finger, my promise of my eternal love. Now, I threw up a silent wish, treating the ring as a talisman as I repeated to myself, _she will not leave, she will not leave._ Perhaps if I put it out in the universe enough I could make it come true.

She still wouldn't look at me. Now she was looking at the far wall where she'd hung paintings I should have burned years ago. But she'd insisted that she liked looking at them, that they gave her a chance to make up her own stories about my past that I hadn't shared with her. Honestly, I didn't mind the London painting so much. Not all of my human memories were unpleasant but certainly my father and I had had our differences.

And then there was the Volturi. My newly restored heart had sunk like a stone when I saw that she had hung _that _particular portrait. I hadn't thought of those days in a long time. Had never really planned on confronting those demons from my past again. At the time I had not been ready to tell of her of those particular memories. I hadn't wanted to frighten her with stories of true demons. I gave a small imperceptible sigh. But now was the time.

"Would you like to hear about the painting of me in Italy?" That did it. Her gaze flew to mine. I felt another pang of guilt as I looked into her crimson eyes but I was determined to convince her that nothing could ever change my love for her. I saw mixed in with the misery of her eyes a raw curiosity. I wasn't playing fair, but I didn't care. I'd do anything to make sure that she walked down the aisle in three days.

"Remember that time that you told me you thought the painter intended to make me look like an angel?" She nodded her head, a little bit of light in her eyes and her gaze darted to the painting and back to mine. "Well, I'm not really sure that was the intent. You see, the three brothers standing with me. Aro, Caius, Marcus. Well, they are definitely _not_ angels. Oh, fallen angels perhaps. Demons. But the same could be said for me. " She looked at me stunned.

"Oh, Esme, my love. I have not thought about this in such a long time. It is not a pleasant story. Yes, it's true, I've never tasted human blood myself. But that does not mean that I have not been responsible for the loss of human life." She opened her mouth to protest and I brought my hand up, gently pushed her lower jaw up to close her full pink lips and then rubbed my thumb along that full bottom lip that I was sure had been made to fit perfectly against my own.

"Shh. Let me get this out." If she told me that it was impossible for this to be true, I would lose my courage. It was not easy to admit these things aloud. It was something I'd never attempted before, preferring to bury my past demons deep within my mind.

"You have to understand sweetheart, that the creatures I encountered in the London sewer were as close as our kind come to actual monsters. I was horrified at what I'd become, could not imagine myself living such an existence for an eternity. So I eventually made my way to Europe and then Italy, intending to immerse myself in studies, in the culture. I never expected to find vampires who actually lived out in the open, like humans. But that's what I found in Volterra." Her hand came up and grabbed my hand that was still cupped along her jaw. She entwined her fingers with my own. I could see she was completely engrossed in the story. I felt reassured that she initiated the contact. This might work out after all.

"They are called the Volturi, as close to a ruling class as we have. They keep the laws, the few that we have. They are very powerful. I was drawn to them, to their knowledge and sophistication, particularly to Aro. He has a way about him, very ingratiating, but very calculating. I was to learn that as well. But as you know, our vegetarian lifestyle is very unique among our kind. First, I stayed to continue my medical studies as well as to learn from them. Later, my friend Victor joined us and I stayed to show him that you did not have to live as the Volturi did." Now came the hard part. To reveal to her what I hated to admit to myself. I inhaled a deep breath.

"Behind all that sophistication though, I knew that they were as much monsters as those poor creatures living in the London sewers. They just dressed it up nicer. I sat by and watched for years as hundreds, perhaps thousands of poor souls were paraded in for the Volturi's own amusement. Knowing that these people were condemned to death, I did nothing to stop it. I am as responsible as if I drank their blood myself. Ultimately, I left, unable to live with that knowledge. I accept that this is our nature and that most of us will live as such. What I couldn't live with were the games that Aro and his brothers played, the pleasure they took in torturing these innocent people." The horror of those years washed over me in fresh waves as if they had just occurred. But I could see that I was getting through to her. I could see that she was understanding what I was trying to tell her.

"So there is nothing to be ashamed of, my love. It is impossible to fight against nature all of the time. And perhaps if I had not tried to be so protective and instead prepared for you to deal with the emotions when it did happen, we wouldn't be sitting here now." I raised my hand and pushed back her hair from her forehead and allowed my fingertips to trail down her pale cheek. I constantly needed contact when I was in her presence. It was as impossible for me not to touch her as it was inevitable that most vampires would slip from time to time.

"Oh Carlisle, no. You did nothing, it wasn't your fault that the Volturi did what they did. What _could _you have done? Nothing. But I-I-. You don't understand. I couldn't control myself. I heard her screams but by the time I got there, it was too late. But that didn't stop me. I took his life. _Me._" Her voice cracked on the last syllable. Instead of feeling the horror I was sure she thought I would feel, a tremendous wave of relief crashed over me. She'd taken a monster's life in defense of another. Monsters existed whether they were human or vampire. And while I didn't like the idea of any creature losing its life, I also understood that sometimes it was necessary. Such as trying to save the life of another.

I grasped her face between my hands and raised her head to meet my gaze. I smiled reassuringly into the face that was as familiar to me as my own, that was etched into every part of my being. "Esme, my angel, don't you know by now that there is absolutely nothing that will ever change how I feel about you? I just hope that you can feel the same about me, now that you know about my past. None of us are perfect. None of us! I'm certainly not despite what you and Edward seems to think."

And then I could wait no longer, slowly I lowered my head, angling hers to meet mine in perfect unison. I lightly feathered my lips against hers, wanting to make it last longer. Her lips parted under mine and she moaned. That was all I could take. Our lips melded into one and we were lost in the pleasure. Eventually I raised my head, albeit reluctantly, but I had to be sure. "Love, listen. I love you. I could never be without you. You'll still marry me in three days time?" My voice was thick with passion and yet I detected the uncertainty I was feeling in my question.

Her eyes were shining with love and passion. The emotion in them softened the blow of the redness that met my own. I didn't care. I loved this woman even if she would have had three eyes. Her voice came out breathy, that breathiness that touched the very core of me and made me shiver with desire every time I heard it. "Yes, Carlisle Cullen. _Yes_. I will. I love you too. Always. If you'll have me, then yes, I will become your wi-" She didn't get to finish. I crushed my lips to hers. Nothing else mattered. She loved me demons and all.


	7. Paradise

Okay, so I thought this would be the last chapter but the story just kind of overtook me and overwhelmed me and I couldn't quite fit the wedding into this chapter. So…the wedding will take place in the next chapter and THEN that will be the end of this particular story. I hope you like the backstory of this chapter. Please read and review and let me know if you think I got it right!

Disclaimer: I am writing this story because I am a fan of Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight Saga. I do not own any of the characters, plot lines or any Twilight-related materials. I only claim ownership to my own unique imaginings.

Whom I Love Alone

Chapter 7: Paradise

**Esme's POV**

I closed my eyes as the warm salty breeze blew past me causing a wisp to escape from the messy knot at the nape of my neck, tickling my cheek. I lowered myself to the bench I was sitting on until I was flat on my back and clasped my hands across my abdomen. A sigh of contentment blew through my lips as I gently rocked with the movement of the boat. I'd never felt so relaxed. So happy. I worried that it might evaporate under the heat of the blistering sun. In my experience, I'd never held on to these feelings for long. I pursed my lips at the thought.

I heard the sail of our boat snap in the wind and I slowly opened my eyes to the brightness of the equatorial sun beating down on us. The warmth felt good. And we didn't have to worry about hiding because we were out in the middle of the ocean. There was no one around to see us sparkle in the ever present sunlight.

I sat up from the bench, my eyes searching for the man I was to marry. My brow creased until I found him, sure and steady, behind the wheel, his skin refracting into a million rainbows as the sun shattered against it. My breath caught in my throat at the sight and a smile touched my lips as I drank in the sight of my golden angel.

And then his liquid butterscotch eyes met mine and the combustible heat that started in the pit of my stomach burst into pure molten lava. I was positive I'd just melted into a puddle on the boat deck. His lips turned up in that smile that looked so serene to others but was pure predator to me. That smile had signaled many nights—and days—of unbelievable pleasure since we'd left the Florida Keys.

He'd refused to tell me our final destination which was entirely maddening. It had led tome trying to devise more and more creative ways to get it out of him. But somehow he always found a way to turn the tables on me, and despite his reputation for compassion, he showed me no mercy to my much chagrined delight.

I returned his smile with a predatory grin of my own. Slowly, I raised myself from the bench, stretching my arms upward in a feline-like fashion. His eyes widened in appreciation ay my show—his smile broader, his eyes never leaving me.

I made my way to him, circling behind him and kneeling on the bench behind him. I languidly wrapped my arms around his neck and placed my lips against his ear. He'd gone rigid at my touch, as still as a statue. Or an ancient Greek soldier girding himself for battle.

"Carlisle." I breathed into his ear. I felt the tension in his shoulders as his hands tightened on the wheel. I couldn't help it. My lips curved slightly upward. I knew he wasn't immune to me but he was so controlled most of the time that I thrilled a little any time I made a little chink in his cloak of willpower.

I flattened my palms against the sculpted planes of his chest and slowly rubbed up and down. "Are we almost there?" This time my self-control slipped as I'd inhaled and his scent filled my nostrils filling me with a keen longing. I lightly ran my tongue along the outer shell of his ear and caught the lobe between my teeth. He hissed through his teeth and his hand flew up capturing mine, gripping tight. In one swift movement, he'd pulled me around and wrapped me in his embrace, his arms bands of steel as they trapped my hands between our bodies against his magnificent chest.

I wriggled but couldn't move. He chuckled and I felt the rumble in his silent chest. He leaned down and I thought he was going to kiss me but instead rubbed his nose against mine. Who knew that touching noses could be so erotic? "Minx." He growled playfully. He smiled but his eyes were a lake of fire—a fire that was deliciously sending mine into a slow burn.

"Anxious, love?" His accent was more pronounced indicating the tension he was feeling." Ready to make an honest man of me?" His words were light but his tone—well—I could hear the longing and I knew he wanted me to feel like he did, unable to stand one more minute of us not being legally bound to one another for eternity.

"Mm-hmm." I purred, not trusting myself to speak. It'd been six months since my slip-up before our previously planned wedding date. Despite both of us being bitterly disappointed, I'd asked Carlisle for the extra time so the ruby red evidence of the horror I'd perpetrated to fade from my eyes. Carlisle had agreed but on the condition that our secret honeymoon location become our secret wedding location.

So of course I had agreed, greatly relieved that he would not have to look into the eyes of a monster when we recited our vows—affirming our love. Now though, it was killing me to not know where we were going, what he had planned. But wrapped in Carlisle's arms, enveloped in his scent—it was killing me not to have his lips against mine.

He must have felt the same way because his smile faded and his gaze met mine with scorching intensity as he slowly lowered his head to mine, momentarily blocking the sun from my face. But just as he was about to touch his lips to mine, his head jerked up, his gaze on the horizon. A broad smile lit up his face as he excitedly met my gaze again.

"We're here." I struggled to sit up but his arms tightened, holding me in place. He chuckled with delight and then reached down and gave me a swift kiss. I'd barely registered the pressure of his lips before he swept me up and turned me around so that I was sitting on his lap. His arms came around either side of me and gripped the wheel. His chin rested on my right shoulder, our cheeks touching. I looked ahead and saw the hazy blue outline of land in the distance. We were probably still a couple of miles away but I could see the lush tropical coastline, the pristine white beaches.

It looked like a deserted island. I turned my head, slightly leaning away as I looked at his face. He was still beaming and looking every inch the cat that swallowed the canary. "And we're where exactly?" I kept my tone light but felt the flutter of excitement in my abdomen. Honestly, it didn't matter, because wherever we were—well—it was our wedding destination.

But I had to keep up pretenses after weeks of badgering Carlisle as we'd traveled further south. He chuckled and cryptically said, "You'll see. Patience is a virtue, sweeting." Rather than focusing on our destination, instead I focused on the man behind me—who by some small miracle I could soon call mine. Forever. Officially.

A rush of emotions overwhelmed me as I took in the exotic scenery before me, the feel of Carlisle behind me, strong and reassuring—that sense of security that I could always count on him, that he would support me no matter what I did. Well, that had already been proven when I'd given in to the vampiric nature and taken a human life. It had baffled me that Carlisle had seemed to blame himself more than me. And _that_ even with the red eyes of the monster within me had emerged.

And though I'd already know that _I _loved _him_ irrevocably and never wanted to be parted from him, that was when I'd finally been secure that he truly loved _me_ unconditionally. So though my first instinct had been to run—sure that he would be disgusted by me—he'd instead convinced me to stay. And to still marry him. That had been an offer I couldn't refuse. Didn't _want_ to refuse. And now here we were.

We'd gotten close enough to dock. It was a crude dock and ahead I could see the wide expanse of the white sand beach—so white it looked like a beach made of sugar. Or if the tropical heat wasn't beating down on us, a snow-covered field. The beach led to a lush tropical forest with a path disappearing into the trees and bushes filled with the brightest and deepest flowers in every color imaginable—pinks and purples, reds and blues, yellows and whites. The scene before us was breathtaking.

Carlisle stood and even in the blistering heat, I suddenly felt cold as my body felt the loss of his touch. "Come, love." He held out his hand to me. He'd secured the sailboat and lifted me easily into his arms as we descended to the wooden dock which although crude in its construction, looked brand new with lightly colored lumber. _Was_ this a deserted island?

Carlisle said nothing but merely had the same Cheshire cat's grin that he'd worn most of the trip. I was hyper-aware as he slowly set my feet down but doing it in a way that I brushed against every inch of his solid frame, never breaking the contact that I so desperately constantly craved.

He bent down and captured my lips with his own. It was a soft feathering of his lips against mine. I could tell he was holding back but even the lightest of touches made me go up in flames like dry tinder. It probably went on for minutes but as he went to raise his head all I could hear was our labored breathing and the gentle waves breaking against the white beach. He put his forehead against mine as he gasped for air. I could tell he was trying to get himself under control. I knew how he felt.

My chest was jerking up and down as I drew in a ragged breath after ragged breath. I was trying to tamp down the bitter disappointment that he'd stop. He raised his head from mine and brought up his hand, cradling my cheek in his palm. His lips raised in a half-smile.

"I nearly forgot where we were. That wouldn't do at all." His fingertips trailed across my cheekbone and then his thumb rubbed slightly against my bottom lip. His other hand entwined with one of my own and slowly he led me down the tock toward the beach.

Once we'd reached the soft sand, he stopped and turned his body to face me. "Esme, sweetheart, may I present you with your wedding gift—I call it 'Isle Esme'." His free hand swooped in a wide gesture from the sands to the dense tropical forest. My mouth dropped open in shock and I turned to him wide-eyed.

"Y-yo-you b-bought me an _island_?" I couldn't comprehend it. It had been one thing to think we would be married in paradise. But—but, my angel had just given me a little piece of heaven. No. I couldn't let him do this. It was too much. Again. He'd already given me so much, including my life. And I---I had never given him anything of any consequence. And this—well—this made the small gesture that I was going to give him as a wedding gift seem so insignificant.

"Carlisle, honey, I'm sorry. But this is impossible. I can't accept an—an island for goodness sake! No, I'm sorry, but you'll just have to give it back." I'd spluttered through it, there, I'd done it. Now he was the one who looked shocked. And incredibly hurt. Oh dear. I'd muddled things again. A big sigh escaped my lips as he turned and looked unseeingly at the wide expanse of turquoise ocean.

I braced myself for what I was sure would come next. Surely I'd finally done it, pushed all the right buttons and he would truly and rightly lose his temper. Be angry with me. Yell. Yep, I'd finally done it good.

His head turned back around and I closed my eyes as I waited for all of my dreams and hopes to crash down around me. I waited to lose paradise before I'd even found it.

**Carlisle's POV**

The woman would try the patience of a saint. And as had long ago been established I was far from being a saint despite what the woman beside me seemed to think. Who would turn down their own tropical paradise? My seemingly brilliant idea was starting to look –well—not so brilliant after all. And I'd been so sure it would be perfect…I'd wanted someplace that belonged to her. To us. Our own island in the sea of the madness that our existence as vampires thrust us into. But she didn't want it. I'd seriously underestimated her, our life together.

I wasn't sure what to do next. I looked into her gorgeous face and saw the immense sadness etched into it. Sadness that I had caused. I silently cursed myself for so badly misreading the situation. I'd always been a thinker, a planner. I didn't act on whims. It's what had helped me to survive for so many lonely decades. But this woman had broken all of my defenses, torn down my walls. Since that night she'd been brought into my hospital, I had acted impulsively, rashly. And it had brought her nothing but pain. And that caused me pain.

I drew a deep breath and the smells of the island engulfed me, the salty sea, the exotic flowers and most of all the exotic scent that was hers alone, that lotus and jasmine concoction that had bewitched me for so many years. Caused me to act without forethought. I couldn't stop myself, I had to ask.

"Sweeting, do you still want this? To marry me, have a life together? Her eyes widened in surprise, the amber pools darkening with some unknown emotion. I found myself sinking into their depths. I was glad the crimson had faded and been replaced with her familiar warmth. Her lips quivered slightly as they parted to give me my answers.

"Oh Carlisle! How can you even ask that? _Of course_ I still want this. More than anything. But this…" She swept her arm wide gesturing toward the lush rainforest. "This is too much. I don't deserve this." Her shoulders slumped slightly as her breathy voice said the words.

Ah, so that was it. I felt a rush of relief at her words. But she was so unsure of herself and she was unable to see how she deserved this and so much more. I would give this woman the universe if I could. And if it meant that I could share that universe with her. While I was completely in control when I was at the hospital treating my patients, completely sure in my role as a father to Edward, completely sure that I could make reparations for my vampiric nature, I was never in control of my feelings for Esme, never sure how to love her so completely that I did not consume her and myself in the process.

Gestures such as buying the island had been my way of trying to control the situation. Marrying her was my way of making sure that we were bound for eternity, of giving her the life that she so very much deserved. She'd endured so much sadness, so much pain in her human life. I wanted to make her vampire life the stuff of dreams. And I was doing a very bad job of it. Mucking it up royally.

When I was anywhere within reaching distance, I always had the intense need to be connected to her, touching her in some way. I was constantly brushing her cheek, tucking caramel wave behind her ear. Now I grabbed both of her hands in mine, entwining our fingers as I did so. I pulled her toward me until our bodies were touching. She did not resist. I felt a shiver run through her body and it sent shockwaves through mine. I knew I would never tire of desiring her in the centuries to come.

"Esme, sweetheart, I don't want to make you unhappy. I just wanted a little place here on Earth that was just ours. A retreat if you will. Our own paradise. But if you truly don't want it, I'll get rid of it and we can go back to Long Island and get married there. You see sweeting, my life is where you are. And I don't care if that's Brazil, New York, or Mars. I want what you want. What makes you happy. As long as I get to share my life with you." Her eyes were shining brightly as I finished my words as if with unshed tears. I felt a prick of guilt. Great, I was just making her even unhappier.

Then the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen happened. She smiled wide until I could see all of her white even teeth and the dimple on one side of her mouth was deeper than I'd ever seen. I felt a stab of desire at the sight. And such intense love, I felt a quiver in my knees. "Let's do it." Her whisper nearly knocked me over. Oh, I wanted to do it all right. Whatever "it" was. "Let's get married. Here. On Isle Esme."

Her words caused my unbeating heart to overfill with love and happiness. Before I could stop myself, I whooped with joy. She looked shocked and then burst out with a giggle. I was not what one would think of as the whooping type. I wrapped my arms around her, lifting her from the ground and spun around. My lips captured hers in triumph. This kiss was different from our last one. It was an expression of our joy and love for one another. And it was hot. Our tongues tangled as we each consumed the other. Her hands were gripped in my hair holding me tight to her. I wasn't going anywhere though.

Eventually, I gently set her feet back to the ground. Her hands still clung to my hair as our kiss softened into a melting lips and an occasional darting of tongues. When we finally broke away, we were both breathing raggedly. Her tiny gasps sent a thrill down my spine. I couldn't wait any longer. It was time for us to vow ourselves to each other for eternity. I hoped that everything was prepared.

I finally found the strength to speak. "Come with me. I have something to show you." A hint of a smile touched her lips and she looked at me curiously. "What?" She asked. I grinned back. "You'll see." I grabbed her hand and she followed closely behind me as I ran toward the path cut through the jungle. It wasn't far to our destination. I stopped as we reached the island bungalow I'd had built just for her.

I held my breath and couldn't quite make myself look to see her reaction. It wasn't sophisticated but it wasn't quite rustic either. My plan had been to keep it simple and then she could make any changes she wanted, decorate it in her own style. I hoped she wouldn't be disappointed in the simple wooden structure before us. After a long moment, I dared to glance sidelong at her.

She looked mesmerized by the sight. I wasn't sure if that was good or bad. I longed for once to have Edward's gift so I could know what she was thinking. Instead, I did it the old-fashioned way. "So…what do you think?" I tried to sound nonchalant but inside I was anxious for her answer.

She tore her gaze away from the bungalow and met mine. Her eyes were glowing. "What do I think? I think it's amazing. Perfect." A soft smile turned her lips up making that irresistible dimple appear again. Unconsciously I let out the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding and returned her smile.

"Well, it's all yours. To do whatever you want with. You can add on, decorate, anything you want." My words came out fast in one quick rush. Her smile widened. "Carlisle. You're wrong. It's all _ours_. This is our retreat, remember?" A chuckle escaped my lips and I was properly chastened. And amazed by the woman at my side. I leaned down and placed a swift hard kiss on her lips. "Oh Esme sweetheart, I do love you!"

"Oh trust me Dr Cullen. The feeling is completely mutual. I still don't know what I've done to deserve you but I'm not going to look the gift horse in the mouth any more. Promise." Her hand squeezed mine. We stood there grinning goofily at each other when we were jerked out of our mutual admiration by the sound of the white bungalow door opening. Oops. I'd forgotten to warn her we weren't alone. I felt her tense slightly at my side as we both swiveled our heads to look at the intruder.

There stood Victor Cambridge filling up the door with his large frame. He wore the black garb and collar of a priest. If he weren't a vampire I was sure he'd be stricken with heat stroke at any minute in that get up. Esme's startled eyes flew from my old friend to me in bewilderment. "Sorry darling, I forgot to warn you about all of my wedding arrangements. We obviously needed a minister. So may I introduce you to a dear old friend, Victor Cambridge. Vic, this is my lovely fiancée, Esme."

Victor smiled looking slightly devilish as he took in the sight of my bride-to-be. I stiffened slightly as a stab of jealousy hit me. But Esme merely moved closer to me and placed an arm around my waist as if needing the security of my embrace. I casually yet possessively placed my arm around her shoulder and squeezed lightly conveying that she had nothing to fear.

Slowly I urged her toward the porch and we approached Victor who had not moved from the doorway. We stopped in front of him and I stretched out my free hand to shake his. "Carlisle. Thought you all would never get here." He grinned and gave me a knowing look. I knew he'd heard the entire exchange from the beach. You could take the devil out of hell but you couldn't get all of the hell out of the devil. Even if he'd taken vows in the Church.

"Vic, glad you made it. I trust everything is ready?" I gave him a warning look of my own and he smiled innocently back. "But of course my old friend. I promised you didn't I? Ah, Esme. You're so much lovelier than Carlisle described." He reached out a hand and Esme placed her hand lightly in his. He raised it up and placed a light kiss against the back of it. She ducked her head slightly and gave him a shy smile. Victor had definitely not lost his touch with the ladies, ever the gallant aristocrat. Even if his Church now forbid him from indulging with them. I took comfort in that thought.

Vic dropped her hand and then stepped aside while gesturing with his arm with a flourish. "Please. Come in. Welcome to paradise." And with those words, we stepped without hesitation toward our destiny.


	8. Forever

A/N: Okay, so this is it. Last chapter! I know it feels like it took forever! This has certainly been a challenging story to write but I'm incredibly proud of it. So as always, please review! Come on, last chance to let me know what you think! Pretty please? I'll see you around dear readers, as I continue my other stories. Don't forget to check out my latest Jalice—"Underneath It All"! Thanks for another great ride!

Disclaimer: I am writing this story because I am a fan of Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight Saga. I do not own any of the characters, plot lines or any Twilight-related materials. I only claim ownership to my own unique imaginings.

Whom I Love Alone

Chapter 8: Forever

**Esme's POV**

"Esme? Are you ready?" My adopted son's melodic voice was accompanied by a light rap on the bedroom door. I was so glad that Victor told us he'd paid a visit to Edward on his way down and he'd agreed to accompany him to Isle Esme for the wedding.

I'd been pleased to learn more about the dark fallen angel who was one of Carlisle's oldest friends. I'm sure he'd revealed more boyhood stories about Carlisle than he would have ever wished me to know but it'd been strangely comforting and endlessly entertaining to see my usually unruffled fiancée' so…ruffled. Some of the stories had even coaxed a guffaw or too out of Edward.

So we'd spent a very pleasant week in paradise but I was anxious for the next step so that Victor and Edward could return to their lives and leave Carlisle and I here to savor paradise on our own for a while. I found that I missed our quiet nights when it'd just been us and the ocean and a million stars. But just a few more hours and I'd be able to work all of my wiles to break down my straight laced love into the wild vampire that drove me crazy with a single brush of his lips or a simple touch of his fingertips.

I took one last glimpse in the vanity mirror and dabbed a final touch of my berry-colored lipstick. I couldn't believe that it was the same Esme that Carlisle had rescued so long ago. My hair was down and flowing around my shoulders because I knew that was how Carlisle liked it best. I'd tucked a lotus blossom behind my ear because they were plentiful on the island.

And Carlisle seemed partial to them when we'd take moonlit strolls to a hidden lagoon where both lotus and jasmine seemed to abound and engulf us when we would take leisurely swims in the warm water. Until they weren't so leisurely. A smile touched my lips at all the memories we'd already managed to make here on our very own private island.

"Esme?" Edward's voice rang out a little louder this time. I shook myself out of my reverie and stood letting the layers of antique lace fall into their natural bias cut. I straightened the straps of my halter and gave a short nod of approval at the image in the mirror. I didn't look like myself and knew I would pale in comparison to how gorgeous my angel would look but my look would do.

"Coming, Edward." My voice sounded a little breathy even to my own ears. I knew it was from the nervous excitement that the day I had dreamed of for so long was finally here. And I was about to belong to Carlisle and he would belong to me too. Forever.

I swung the door open wide and took in the lanky figure of my bronze haired son encased in a white linen shirt and loose matching linen pants. Carlisle and I had decided that we wanted a beachy casual feel to the wedding. This was an intimate affair with only our son in attendance and Victor serving as the officiate. Thank goodness he'd been ordained a few dozen times.

Edward's gaze swept over me from head to toe as he let out a long, low whistle. "Wow, Carlisle sure is a lucky man." He gave me an audacious wink and I'm sure a blush would've heated my face if I could still blush. I playfully slapped his arm and shook my head. "Don't exaggerate." He gave me a crooked smile. "Oh I promise, I'm not." I shook my head again and gave him my best exasperated look. He just grinned back giving me his best innocent look.

"Shall we?" He presented me with his elbow and I took it. As we made our way through the bungalow, I abruptly stopped. Before I could say a word, Edward turned to me and said "Don't worry, your bouquet is sitting on the table in the foyer." I looked at him and then burst into a tinkling laugh. "You'd think I wouldn't forget that you know what I'm thinking." He chuckled ruefully. "Yeah, sorry about that." I patted his forearm reassuringly. "No worries. Hey, ready to walk me down the aisle?" I didn't want him to feel bad.

"Absolutely. I'm so glad Carlisle found you." He gave a small shrug. "I never realized we were missing anything until you came along and made where we lived actually feel like a home." I felt a knot in my chest and it moved to my throat at his words. I knew tears would be coursing down my cheeks if it were physically possible. He was such a dear sweet boy and I couldn't have loved him more if he was my own son.

We'd reached the foyer and he handed me my small but brightly colored bouquet I'd put together from flowers around the island. As he opened the door, and we stepped onto the whitewashed wooden porch, he leaned down and whispered in my ear. "By the way, I love you too. Mom." And with another small wink, he led me down the path to the beach to where his father and the beginning of our forever waited.

**Carlisle's POV**

I knew I was standing as still as a statue, frozen by my nerves. I always prided myself on my calmness, my ability to take any situation even the most stressful ones, in stride. But now as I stood slightly to the side of my old friend, I was overcome by nervousness. I wanted everything to go perfectly. And until Victor declared us man and wife forever, I wouldn't be able to relax.

We were standing on the beach and you could hear the turquoise waves gently washing up to the shore. The sun was a red fireball as it started to sink into the pink horizon behind the blue waters. It was nearly sunset which meant it was time for the wedding. Just as Esme had planned.

She'd wanted things elegantly simple. She'd quietly explained to me one night as we'd shared a swim in our secret lagoon that she'd had the big fancy wedding full of people she didn't know and that hadn't turned out so well. I'd felt my chest tighten as I'd seen the shadows of her human life in her liquid topaz eyes. So I'd pulled her into my arms and assured her that we would have a simple beach wedding—whatever she wanted. As long as she married me.

Then she'd melted a little in my arms, her slender arms circled around my neck and as her fingers twined in the hair at the nape of my neck , she pulled my head down to meet her lips and I knew in that moment that I'd have sold my soul to give her whatever she wanted if it meant she would be in my arms like this forever.

I felt a slight nudge to my side and I turned to look at Vic. His gaze was fixed on a point ahead of us and he just gave a slight smile and inclined his head forward. I turned to see what he was pointing out. And then my breath stopped.

I was vaguely aware that her arm was hooked through Edward's but honestly I couldn't have told you what he was wearing or what expression he might have on his face. I only had eyes for my love. Esme. It was like a prayer on my lips and I realized that I'd whispered her name aloud. Victor just gave a low chuckle. Then a low wolf whistle. I turned to glare at my old friend. I felt an intense stab of jealousy at his appreciative gaze on Esme. And at the same time an equally intense sense of pride.

Clenching my fists at my side, I concentrated on not smashing one of them right into his square jaw. Good god, that wasn't like me! I abhorred violence and Vic was one of my oldest friends. Drawn to her orbit, I settled my gaze back on Esme's radiant countenance. I relaxed my fists as I realized that her gaze met mine and the love shining from her eyes was all the reassurance I needed that she, like me, only had eyes for one another.

And I would never get my fill of looking into her eyes. Thank goodness I now had an eternity to do it. To indulge my very real addiction to touching her, looking at her, loving her with every molecule of my being. In a few moments, she would be bound to me forever and neither of us would be alone again. And I would do everything in my power to make sure that I never caused her the pain she'd felt in her first marriage. That I would be her last and best husband.

Before I knew it, she was in front of me. Edward leaned down and placed a quick kiss on her cheek and then gently took her small hand from the crook of his elbow and held it toward me. I reached up and realized that my own hand was trembling slightly as I took her hand in mine. She gave me a shy smile as she looked up from our entwined hands. Her dimple was peeking out at me and as I smiled back, it deepened.

God, she was beautiful. She looked even better than I had imagined. Her wavy caramel hair was flowing around her shoulders in my favorite style and she had a lotus blossom tucked behind her ear. As if she didn't already smell mouthwatering, that just sealed the deal for me. She had on a halter cream-colored silk dress that gave a hint of her cleavage and was overlaid with antique lace that flowed in layers down to nearly her slender ankles. Her feet were bare as were mine. I had on the simple cream linen suit she'd selected for me.

Victor cleared his throat and then began speaking in his deep bass voice. We'd both turned to face each other and now had both hands entwined together. Later I would never recall what Vic said. I knew it had to do with the bonds of marriage, love, and support for one another. But all I could see was Esme, her eyes bright with tears that would never come and the love in those eyes hitting me right in the solar plexus until I couldn't breathe.

Her voice was breathy, husky as she repeated her vows. My own voice sounded gruff to my own eyes and I cleared my throat and my accent became more pronounced as I uttered my vows to her for the first time. I was lost in her eyes, engulfed in her jasmine and lotus scent that was unique to her and had been with me for so long that I could no longer remember a time when it wasn't a part of who I was.

It seemed to go by so quickly and yet it also seemed to last forever as we stood there on the white sands with the sun sinking slowly out of sight. We exchanged rings and I was aware that my hand was still trembling. I knew it was because of the emotion I was feeling. I hoped that Esme would realize that I had no trepidation about binding myself to her forever. But then I noticed that her hand trembled too and I knew that we would be fine. We belonged together. We had so much in common. I wanted to give the world to her and spend the rest of my existence with her.

Her eyes widened as she looked into mine and I was suddenly aware that I was saying the words in my mind aloud to her. I was reciting my own vows. We hadn't planned it that way but I couldn't keep what I'd waited three hundred years for to stay inside any longer. As I slid the slim gold band over her delicate knuckle, I continued to tell her what she meant to me. What this meant to me. What forever meant to me.

Then before Vic could even pronounce us man and wife she had flung her arms around my neck and her lips were crushed against mine. She was sealing her eternity with me. We needed no more words, no official pronouncement. Just as it'd been meant to be that day that sweet lovely sixteen year old girl had burst into my life, my existence had never been the same. And it would not be the same forever. We had become a family. An unexpected family.

We only broke apart when Vic and Edward started clapping and whistling. Reluctantly, I loosened my grip on my new bride. She embraced Edward as I reached over and gave Vic a hearty handshake. Then I embraced my son.

"I'm really happy for you Dad." He whispered in my ear. _Thanks son. I pray that you find the same happiness someday and know the joy of an eternal love._ As was our custom, I did not respond aloud. He pulled back and raised a sardonic eyebrow and gave a slight shake of his head as he gave me a crooked smile. "You just never quit do you Carlisle?" I smiled back indulgently. "I'll never give up on you, Edward."

Esme had an arm around Vic's waist and he had a loose arm around her shoulder and she was beaming at Edward and me. I could see that fierce look of pride she got when she was feeling like we were a family.

I reached out and pulled her out of Vic's grasp. Perhaps a little more possessively than I should have but I couldn't wait any longer, I needed my bride back in my arms. I didn't even notice when Vic and Edward quietly slipped away down the dock and headed back to the mainland to give us newlyweds the run of our island.

Isle Esme. Paradise on earth. Because the most beautiful angel had just married me. Unable to contain my excitement and happiness any longer, I swept her in my arms and took her into the bungalow that would be the sight of many happy memories. And would always hold a special place in my heart because it was where I started my forever with the love of my existence.

As I gently laid her on the bed, I whispered, "I love you, sweeting. Always." Her face had a dreamy look and lit up at my words. "Love you too. Forever." And then we didn't speak for a long time. It felt like forever. Which was just fine with me. I'd waited forever for a love like ours. And I'd spend forever letting her know it.


End file.
